Evolutionary Theory: Why are scorpions so bloody angry?

Scorpions anger issues
Oh, geez, what are you angry about now?!

The scorpion has temper tantrum issues. What is it with this species and anger? Hanging around with a scorpion must be a bloody nightmare – they’re always mere milliseconds away from exploding into their en garde stance and injecting you with an agonising, potentially lethal dose of venom. Cheers, you belligerent little git!

Truth be told, most scorpion species don’t feature that mortifying venomous strike. They’re still on edge the whole time, however, and, frankly, it’s just as well they don’t all have that mortifying venomous strike as the perpetually outraged little freaks would have decimated 90% of the world’s population of everything. Indeed, if this were the case we’d all now be bowing down to one giant, corpulent, lazy, domineering scorpion overlord. His name? Grumpy chops.

Scorpions: Peaceful Tranquillity in Motion

Scorpions are one of those creatures you just know are bloody dangerous. Like a with sharks – there’s instinct hardwired into our brains by Google to let us know to be on edge around them. Damn straight, too, because when you’re up against a creature as fearsome as that, you need all the instinctive help you can get.

Conversely, take our pet hamster Steve. Look at him below as he worries about his food situation. Look at him there! Note the lack of ninja battle stance and poised blade of venomous anguish. Behold how he doesn’t appear to be a psychopath within a shell.

Indeed, scorpions suffer from a severe image problem of their making. Truly, if they were to ditch their shell and take on a more flamboyant nature, such as that of a dolphin, perhaps people wouldn’t run screaming from them in horror upon merely the faintest glimpse. Rather, perhaps this is why the scorpion is so angry – it can’t understand why it’s alienated from the converse of polite society.

Educating Reet Terrifying Scorpions

We used “reet” there in the headline from the local Mancunian vernacular in a feeble attempt to get it to look like Educating Rita. Oh well, if only we had Michael Caine on hand to open up a didactic centre for scorpions. He could teach them a thing or two about received pronunciation – he’d have them talking like the Royals in no time.

Can you imagine it? A polite scorpion order where the things don’t do a war dance of rage merely by being in sight of you? It’d be fabulous. You can go on to one of them, shake it by its mandible, and say, “How do you do, old bean?” Doffing it’s cap and holding its pince-nez in a mandible, it’d garble some deranged scorpion language at you and, being the bigoted xenophobe you are.

You’d dash off to complain to your significant other about how scorpions are plaguing our society and taking our jobs – especially at the local martial arts centres where their kung-fu abilities would rob numerous black belts of their dignity. Oh well, blame it all on the liberals! Bloody progressivist bastards!

2 comments

  1. Huh? I didn’t realize scorpions wore pince-nez. I think if they had a Twitter account, they might be able to improve their image. If it was born in the USA, it could run for president.

    Liked by 1 person

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