Everyone loves smoking (except all the people who are repulsed by it) and everyone loves smoked salmon (apart from all the people who hate fish), which has made us wonder why cigarettes and fish have never been combined to complement one another.
Perhaps because fish is glorious but cigarettes are putrid fiends. How can one rectify this state of affairs? By combining the two! With this strategy, we’ve ensured there’s a sort of leeway to reduce tobacco to an adequately acceptable level. Plus, it’s not cruel to the salmon as they’re already smokers, having been smoked. So, it’s a win-win situation for anyone and everyone! Hurray!
Smoked Salmon Cigarettes
Don’t underestimate the power of smoked salmon. You can use it for a huge variety of meals and the thing spices up any dish you can think of. Be it sandwiches, Kellogs cornflakes, jam sandwiches, or a mouldy old potato, with a bit of salmon based oomph you can turn a meal around.
Thusly, we have the smoked salmon cigarette! They’re incredibly easy to make (roll smoked salmon in with tobacco – add salt and chilli to flavour things up) and we’ll be marketing them for £20 for a pack of three. With great quality comes a great price, you know?
Obviously, we’ll be aligning ourselves with the UK’s anti-smoking NHS policies to make ourselves appear like a caring company, whereas in reality all we give a damn about are profit margins, fancy Excel spreadsheets which highlight massive gains, and chin stroking meetings where we can throw business spiel around like clowns throw cake at one another.
Ultimately, it’s all about defining a marketable product which tells a story. So what sort of story should fish cigarettes tell? Naturally, one which makes dimwitted consumers waste their cash! We’re going to bloody dominate our market.
Of course, being morally sound, we have tested these things in a controlled environment (the Professional Moron office – we kept the open petrol canisters to one side for this thing) to ensure their safety and overall quality.
Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was the first to give it a go. On first inhalation, he began to retch uncontrollably and began perspiring wildly. He even snorted and then began drooling a little bit whilst wobbling unstably. Perhaps not wishing to lose face, he confidently then announced: “That was marvellous! I shall have another taste…” He promptly took another drag (whilst visibly shaking) and collapsed in a heap on the floor.
Other results were more varied. Due to the second hand smoke from Mr. Wapojif, our apprentice (i.e. principal tea maker) turned as white as a sheet and began sobbing uncontrollably. Other staff members also reported feeling uncontrollably nauseous, which is probably why everyone started throwing up.
In short, we deem the smoked salmon cigarette an unconscionable success! Keep an eye out for it in stores and light up at the first available opportunity. That goes to you too, kids!