Cotton Buds: 5 Amazing Uses You Weren’t Stupid Enough To Invent!

cotton bud uses
These things will do much more that stir your tea, you know.

Most of us know cotton buds (also known as ear buds) as the implements one uses to avoid one’s earlobes resembling a cow pat. Whilst this is their primary use, it must be noted these things do have numerous other spectacular utilisation possibilities.

We’re never afraid to take on potential new utilisation possibilities with anything (like that time we tried to make a great white shark a professional basketball player – the appalling loss of life taught us many a learned lesson), so behold the fantastical new ways with which you can cotton on to five new lifehacks.

1. Self Defense

Wielding one of those at a psychotic vagabond may seem foolish, but in the initial confusion as their idiotic brain attempts to comprehend what you’re doing (typically around 2 seconds – use this time advantage to your… advantage), kick them in the testicles.

If it’s a woman vagabond, strike up a conversation about Miley Cyrus being a positive role model for young women. This will eliminate her desire to destroy you, although you will have to listen to a lengthy diatribe as she badmouths the unspeakable one.

2. A Toothbrush

They kind of look like a toothbrush, they’re cheaper than your average toothbrush, and we reckon they’d clean your teeth just as well as a toothbrush. Take our word for it! Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, replaced his regular old toothbrush with a cotton bud for a month. He only suffered through crippling tooth decay for the final few weeks of that, too!

3. A Ladle

Traditional ladles are a fantastic way to move liquid based foods (such as soup and shepherd’s pie) to another destination (such as a bowl, onto the floor, and ultimately into your stupid face). The ladle is old hat and we’re sick of them!

Modernise your ladling by using the cotton bud! By dabbing thousands of the things into your liquid food product, you can squeeze the liquid goodness one by one into a bowl of your choice!

4. A Scalpel

Anyone who’s ever performed an amputation (most of us, let’s face it) will know the most difficult bit is the first bit: hacking into yourself. Traditionally, one might user a hammer or a chainsaw, but the humble cotton bud has been oft forgotten in the neurosurgery field.

Indeed, Mr. Wapojif decided to advance his IQ with a lobotomy and started to hack at his skull with a cotton bud. This went on for several hours until, bored, he partook in a more salubrious pastime: picking his nose.

5. Advanced Nose Picking Implement

It’s fatuous to use the cotton bud solely for the ear. With its agile shape and manoeuvrability, these things should, of course, be used to pick one’s nostrils at any given opportunity.

We suppose the danger here is if you slip, or something, and accidentally violently insert the cotton bud deep inside your face. That’d be embarrassing at the doctors. Almost as bad as: “Honestly, doc, I thought eating raw chicken would be good for me.” Indeed.

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