As we all know, the primary characteristic of the leek vegetable is just how goddamn leaky it is. Leaking, to be clear, is one of the most frustrating things which can ever happen. A leak floored the Titanic, it makes your sieve useless, and it’s the reason you can’t take a bath (because of the plughole – what is it with those things?).
Leeks, on the other hand, are notorious for their edibility. Indeed, leek and potato soup is arguably the greatest soup in history. Paradoxically, leeks can be used to stop leaks by jabbing the leek into the cause of a leak. It’s not a guaranteed cure-all, but it’s better than nothing. Right?
The Leaking Leek
Hold up here, what are we trying to claim? That leeks leak? If so, what do they leak? Well, foolish individuals, they leak themselves, clearly. Hence why they are called leeks! Please keep up, this isn’t a difficult topic. It’s not rocket science (by which we mean the vegetable rocket, not the space travel objective).
Okay, so now we’ve cleared up any confusion we’re left to wonder why a leek would leak. Clearly it’s a design flaw and merely another example as to why vegetables have a deserved reputation for being stupid and slovenly.
When one thinks about it, leeks kind of resemble a police baton or a baseball bat, which kind of suggests they were supposed to be sporting implements of some sort. Perhaps one could use one to play fetch with your dog, but the dog would just eat the leek and that would be that.
Weirdly, leeks are closely related to the vegetables elephant garlic (presumably garlic with hideous deformities) and kurrat (a dyslexic type of carrot). Onions and normal garlic are also related, indicated the leek leaks so badly as it’s spent way too much time around raw onions. We all know what happens there so, indeed, this answers the question: leeks leak because they’re soft bastards who cry.
So Why do Leaks Leak?
We now must ask the question of why leaks leak to begin with. First, let’s answer a fundamental question: What constitutes a leak? A basic definition is as follows: “A hole or crack in a container or covering through which contents may accidentally pass.”
Thusly, it’s clear leaks are caused by outside interference such as errant nuclear explosions, high-pitched yodelling, or dimwitted animals who are unaware of their destructive abilities (i.e. great white sharks and labradors).
In conclusion, it must be determined that in order to avoid acquiring a leak, one must avoid leak based situations. To do this we can confidently claim you must steer at least 100 miles clear of the nearest nuclear testing site with your bathtubs, leeks, or toilet trap (the u-bend bit). Otherwise you’ll get a leak which, of course, will make your leek cry. For England, James?