Exclusive Invention: The Rocket Rocket (for environmentally friendly space travel)

Rocket space travel
Believe it or not, this stuff will get you to Jupiter and back.

Space travel is pretty dangerous and also a huge drain on natural resources such as bread for space sandwiches and nappies for the astronauts. Indeed, environmentally friendly space travel hasn’t taken off (lol) just yet, but today we’re here to pioneer the Rocket Rocket!

Yes, we’ve proposed to NASA (that’s the National Aeronautics and Space Administration if you’ve ever wondered what those capital letters stand for) an intergalactic spaceship made from the stuff you typically find in a supermarket bought salad. Unnerving? NASA sure seemed incredulous about our invention, but one has to be a mover and shaker to make progress in this world, eh?

The Rocket Rocket

There’s a time and a place for space travel innovation: now. Indeed, physicists and NASA dudes want to land on moons such as Mars, planets such as Io, and galaxies such as the Sun, but they’re too stupid to figure out how to do it. The answer is so blatantly obvious it disgusts us: low calorie and pungent salad leaves.

Indeed, fashioning a spaceship out of rocket makes perfect sense. With extra strong adhesives (that’s supeglue to you laymen and women) to guide them, NASA’s top bods could construct a 10kg spaceship of 300ft height simply by using around 30,000 bags of pre-packed rocket.

So long as the stuff was (or were) bought from a reputable organic source, all should be well. The required 3.5 tonne Aerojet Rocketdyne RS-25 liquid-fuel cryogenic rocket engine will be blue-tacked into the arse of the rocket to ensure its 1,859 kN of thrust power upon lift-off won’t detach the engine from the leafy greens, thusly causing a catastrophic explosion.

Safety and mobility will be ensured as the rocket will be piloted by adequately trained working class right wingers, all of whom will know the difference between the “On”, “Off”, and “Self-Destruct” buttons and will be able to converse with each other and ground control by well-timed grunting.

Our Official Statement About Supposed “Design Flaws”

This afternoon, NASA publicly concluded our Rocket Rocket to be “insanely dangerous”, “filled with more design flaws than was “humanly imaginable”, and an “insult to humanity”. We object and resent this statement and must conclude NASA clearly stands for:

                    Nincompoops Are Stupid Always

NASA is known for pushing the boundaries of technology, so why has it turned its back on rocket salad? Jealousy, we guess. We’ve invented this genius device which will (probably) reach Jupiter and be back home in time for the next Star Wars film. What has it achieved recently? Nothing! We’ve not even been on the Moon since the ’70s!

Thusly, we’re calling out NASA and highlighting the staggering LACK of design flaws in our salad based spaceship. It’ll zoom out of planet and into orbit in a heartbeat and will usher in a new era of safe travel. Marvellous! Although, ironically, the in-flight meals will all be meat based.

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