Conan the Barbarian (1982) was one of the most macho films of the 1980s. It starred Arnold Schwarzenegger doing trademark Schwarzenegger things, such as acting adequately, carrying heavy things, doing strenuous stuff, flexing his mighty man muscles, and grunting. That’s great and all, but it’s not as if one can perpetually be a barbarian. It’s a stressful and deleterious job with few future prospects.
Thusly, we believe Conan would have quit his barbarian ways in his late 30s and become something else: a barber man. This would have made for a hilarious TV series (Schwarzenegger proved his comedic acting chops in many films), as monstrosity Conan attempted to come to grips with urban living, shearing hair, and getting his stupid hands to work with a pair of scissors. Gosh, it would have won Oscars!
Conan the Barber Man
These days it’s fashionable to take the film and make it into a TV series (look at Fargo). In the 1980s it probably wasn’t so fashionable. Schwarzenegger’s career skyrocketed once the Terminator was released in 1984, but we think he would have been even more successful if a camp, twee spin-off TV show had hit the screens roughly about the same time.
At first, Conan would have struggled to come to grips with the nature of his new role. Brutally severing the heads off his first unfortunate customers, Conan would have soon learned a sword is not the device of choice in the world of barbering.
After serving a brief prison sentence for cold blooded murder, Conan would have been released early after breaking his way out of prison by sheer brute force. Kidnapping several people along the way, he’d have insisted he was good by forcing terrified customers to endure getting a haircut.
The police, upon finding the citizens in the barbershop with acceptable haircuts, would have let Conan off and allowed him to continue on his way in life as a moderately levelheaded barber man. Thusly, the foundation of the series would have been set.
The Best Episodes
An Oscar and Emmy award-winning show, Conan the Barber Man would have many famous episodes which would have made you feel all funny inside. There would have been ones such as:
- The one where Conan has to cut an attractive girl’s hair as she wanders in by mistake (barbers are only for men – Men Only!), leading to Conan flirting with chat-up lines such as, “Hello”, “Will you go on a date with me?”, “You look nice today”, “If it bleeds, we can kill it”, “I’ll be back”, and “RUN! GET TO THE CHOPPER!”
- The one where Conan decides to open shop at 3am and becomes infuriated by the lack of patrons. Forcibly breaking into nearby houses, he orders mortified, sleepy men to endure haircuts
- That one when Conan and special guest Woody from Cheers chat in a bar about the horrors of proletariat life, become drunk, begin flirting outrageously, but then get into a violent fist fight which lands Conan in hospital
- The one where Conan proposes to local looker Claire with a ring finely crafted from a human skull
- That one when Conan discovers his patron has dandruff and takes to shrieking hysterically like the big jessy he, at least subconsciously, was
It would have been an amazing TV show. Instead, it will never exist. We must only curse the philistine producers and who failed to commission this momentous brilliance. We curse them through the gates of Hell!