Last week we introduced our new Agony Aunt feature. We want to help our readers by lending them a kind ear and provide them with, where necessary, a psychological and verbal drubbing. To be kind, sometimes one has to be a total and utter SOB – we subscribe to this notion wholeheartedly.
This week we have John from London. He’s upset his girlfriend has the mental stability of an outraged bull pumped full of harsh liquour and who’s just watched a pro-bull fighting documentary. How disappointing would that be? Tremendously so. Anyway, this week we have John. He’s a bit of a prick, so bear with us as we patronise and belittle the stupid git.
Dear Professional Moron. My girlfriend is really good looking but she’s not very interesting. I need to satisfy my ego by hanging around with her, even though we spend 80% of our time arguing furiously. Last week she poked me in the eye and called me a "stupid w*** turd" and then stole my wallet. I found her 3 hours later. She'd bought 20 bottles of well expensive cheap wine and was slumped unconscious on my bedroom floor. Before she'd passed out she wrote "i F***ing well h8 u!" on the floor from the pool of her puke. What should I do? Dump her or get married and have several children? I mean... she's nuts! But well fit... John
Hi, John. Well, that’s some situation you’ve got yourself into! Firstly, let us point out that a person’s looks shouldn’t be the central reason for any relationship – this would be superficial and counterproductive. There is a myriad of other uplifting elements to a relationship which you should be looking to benefit from.
Pertinent amongst these is if the other person has tremendous wealth, or at least potential access to immense wealth. Ascertain whether she has affluent relations who will be able to pass on huge fortunes to you (and her).
Wealth is All That Matters
If she is rich, or has upcoming wealth, stick with her. She’ll be worth it. If she doesn’t, we’d recommend you end the relationship. Let her down with a bizarre and dismissive text message (such as: “sup babe lol? i’m braking up wiv u lol. its not me its you your ****ing weird lol x”) so that you don’t have to deal with this in a mature manner.
If she’s a keeper, put your smartphone away and save on your quota of free monthly text messages! Indeed, take her for a nice meal out at McDonald’s and express your unequivocal, irrational love for her. She’ll go gooey at the needs and you’ll be set for life.
Judging from your intemperate attitude and her erratic behaviour, your kids will no doubt have the collective intellectual capacity of a cow pat. This won’t matter, however, as you’ll be rich and, as we’ve already established, this is all that matters.
To Bump Her Off, Or Not To Bump Her Off?
Naturally, following your marriage, things will pall over time. Indeed, you’ll grow to despise each other, which will be fueled by your intense stupidity and the annoying behaviour of your hyperactive children. This, John, will lead you down an illuminating path.
Fatuous individuals such as you and your girlfriend are only ever doomed to a bizarre, cyclical cycle of belligerence. Indeed, it’s a wasted life you’re living. This may sound cruel, but it’s true. As such, at some stage you may consider (following your umpteenth fight in a week) bumping off your wife.
As we pointed out in our last Agony Aunt column (My Boyfriend is Addicted to Pokémon GO!), murder is never the best option. What we can recommend is you convince your wife to get herself cryogenically frozen. Once she’s safely tucked up in her snug time capsule, you’ll be free to live out the rest of your idiotic life like the crass, callous dimwit you well and truly are. You’re welcome!