Great TV Shows That Never Were: Snakes on a Plain

Snakes on a Plain
This would have been part of the show’s opening credits, with Stuart the Snake there.

Snakes on a Plane was a high concept film from 2005 starring Samuel L. Jackson and Julia Margulies (George Clooney’s girlfriend from ER). It was stupid, but it was an okay film. However, it disappeared after that. No Snakes on a Plane 2, no 3D version, no board game, no ultra-violent video game adaptation. Nothing!

This is why we’re calling for a documentary TV series in its honour called Snakes on a Plain. By plain we, of course, mean a large area of flat land with few trees. The show would be hosted by Sir David Attenborough and narrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose dulcet yet hilarious tones would pepper the series with drôle humour. Don’t you totally want to watch it? We sure do!

Snakes on a Plain

Whilst this would be a nature documentary series, it would also break new ground by doubling up as ad lib stand up, a children’s show, romantic comedy, drama, celebrity news column, and political debate.

The series would focus on the snakes which slither on plains, with a new plain chosen for each episode (there will be 20 in the first season). Season 1, Episode 1 would commence on a large plain in Bolton of Greater Manchester where, with postmodern irony, there wouldn’t be any snakes.

Over the course of each hour long episode, Schwarzenegger would need to provide the entertainment. So, he’d put on a charm offensive and drawl away like some deranged madman about snakes and how they squirm about the place and hiss, occasionally informing viewers he’s taking a break to do a score of push-ups.

The show would allow him to fully display the complete gamut of his emotional range – he’d drop one-liners about the lack of snakes (“They’ll be back!”), cry in distress on realising the show has failed the viewers, flirt outrageously with Sir David Attenborough, grunt arbitrarily, and drone on and on about his mighty man muscles.

Occasionally, the camera would cut back to an appalled Sir David Attenborough in the studio, who would be able to showcase his very best aghast expressions. Man alive, doesn’t this sound like the best TV show ever?

Guest Appearances & Dismal Ratings

Snakes on a Plain would be an ideal platform for Schwarzenegger to market his upcoming films, promote his political ideologies, and reference the snakes he’s acted alongside in his career (probably mainly in Conan, if he even did in that – we can’t remember).

He’ll be joined in the narration box by famous guests to spice things up. There would be a revolving door of talent each week, with stars such Prince Charles of England, Keith Chegwin, Uri Geller, John Travolta, and Kim Kardashian spicing up the show with their inane stories and fatuous grumblings.

Whilst the show would be dreadfully boring, tawdry, unfunny, and a career low point for all involved, it would gain a cult following amongst chronic insomniacs and drug addicts with no idea what’s going on. Now that is what we call good television!

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