Exclusive Recipe: The Grapes of Wraps (a summery recipe)

Grapes of Wraps
Get these into a wrap and there we go! Perfection in a wrap!

Grapes and bread don’t spend enough time hanging out together. Today, we’ve decided this heinous war crime must achieve cessation through the merger of grapes and wraps. Thusly, we have the ingenious play on John Steinbeck’s classic novel: the Grapes of Wraps. Brilliant, non?

Grapes are great and wraps are brilliant. These are two well known facts. By merging the two together, it’s possible to achieve the finest slice of perfection since melted cheese on beans, marmalade on toast, and mouthwash with champagne. It’s a simple recipe to make, but we’ve added a bit of added oomph to spice things up a notch.

The Grapes of Wraps

As it’s summer (not that you’d know in it here in Manchester), we thought we’d make the potentially sweltering weather conditions all the more uncomfortable. Normally, one considers grapes a chilled out food which will cool you down. Not with our recipe.

Indeed, by adding some of the most violent and scintillating spices to our wrap recipe, you’ll transform your hot summer’s day into a perspiration nightmare! Yes, you can sit awkwardly as friends stare in distaste at you as sweat pours from your pores. Isn’t that what we all want to achieve?

For ingredients, you’ll need some grapes and a wrap of your choice. Combine the two and add some mayonnaise and marmite if you so wish. Now it’s time for the spices! Based on the Scoville scale of spice, the Trinidad moruga scorpion pepper is recognised as the hottest chilli on Earth.

Slice and dice several (around six should do it) and add them to your wrap. Once done, consume your wrap with gusto. You’ll find the chilli isn’t so bad at first, but according to experts it then becomes “nasty”. Awesome!

Heat Exhaustion Advice

The signs and symptoms of heat exhaustion are frothing at the mouth, gangrene of the brain, photosynthesis, delirium, and delusions of grandeur (many heat exhaustion sufferers have been known to believe they’re such luminaries as the Queen of England). You may suffer one or two of these symptoms after eating the Grapes of Wraps.

In the event of this, do not panic. Calmly sprint to your nearest sink and drink several litres of refreshing water. This will slake your desire for water, save your life, and help you stop sweating like some gross SOB.

Oh yes, as for the taste of this thing. Well, the recipe would be delicious, were it not drowned out by the overpowering onslaught of burning agony. We guess we went overboard on the spices… it’s a shame there isn’t some way to fix this recipe, such as altering it post-conception. Oh well, it’s too late now. Enjoy!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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