One of our pet peeves at Professional Moron is fussy eaters. This well and truly makes us grind our teeth to our gums; whether it’s someone refusing to eat vegetables because they don’t like them, sticking rigidly to spaghetti hoops for every meal, or only eating fast food, denying oneself all the wondrous stuff out there is the action of a philistine! It miffs us off big time.
Indeed, we’ve always been utterly disgusted by those who make themselves a sandwich, yet inexplicably remove the crusts as they are apparently inedible. Awww, diddums! Is the nasty crust making you upset? Yes, we’re mocking you, you crust free people! Today, we demand you join us for the Two Minute Hate towards these abominations towards the name of bread.
Say “NO!” to Crust Free Bread
Making a sandwich is one of the more salubrious and capricious actions any wannabe zig-a-zig-ah chef can partake in. One can throw anything into a sandwich and it’ll probably taste alright. Indeed, you can well and truly check out our Pot Noodle Sandwich for proof of this!
Now just consider this moral scenario: you’ve created, say, a cheese and tomato sandwich with a few sprigs of lettuce, with houmous smeared on your brown bread slices as a filling. Cripes, we’re getting hungry just thinking about this monument to awesomeness!
Your sandwich, sitting as pretty as a picture on a plate, looks so goddamn gorgeous you simply have to take a picture of it and load it up to Instagram. You’re that physically connected to the goddamn thing you even briefly consider proposing to it with a hula hoop crisp.
Now, any normal human being would complete this scenario as follows: you seize hold of the sandwich violently and stuff it into your stupid face. Chewing isn’t a luxury here as you barf this thing down and chew with your mouth open – appalled onlookers can very well be appalled, but this sandwich just had to be eaten… crusts and all!
Why No Crusters are Evil
In the world of the no cruster, you repeat the above scenario but expend energy by getting a blade and pedantically slicing away the crust and tossing away these remnants of a formerly perfect sandwich. Why would anyone do such a thing?
We wanted to find out, so we headed out into the streets of Manchester during our lunch break to obnoxiously challenge everyday citizens. The first person we approached was an ageing, clearly inebriated man of around 54. He dribbled a bit and asked us for some spare change – a life clearly devastated by sandwiches with the crusts removed.
We then asked mother of five Deirdre (23) – she was confused by the question and thought we were talking about crustaceans. Her children took to kicking our shins, so we dashed for safety knowing our lives were at risk.
There you have it. This contentious issue is created by violent thugs who have an irrational prejudice against bread crusts. Professional Moron will fight for the cause – we’ll take to the streets with bread loaves and beat people around the head, thusly ensuring future generations will have satisfying sandwiches and rational discourse over tea.