Evolutionary Theory: Do Bats Watch Baseball & Cricket?

Bats and sports bats
These things are fans of cricket, apparently.

There are baseball bats and cricket bats in this world, but there are also normal bats. These creatures kind of resemble genetically deformed hamsters – not only are they blind, they’re terrifying things which hunt down their pray by sonar, GPS, and Google Maps. Cripes, even Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (also known as Jim Carrey) hates them!

All of this does beg the question: do bats know about cricket and baseball? If so, do they watch these sports? It must be unusual being a bat watching a bat being swung about the place. It may even be mildly offensive. Are baseball and cricket racist against bats? Let us find out in today’s inane and unjustifiably stupid post!

Bats (on an all-encompassing level)

Cricket and baseball are essentially about hitting a ball with a bat and then running about a bit. We realise this is a tediously reductionistic deduction, but then we live in a world where you can go to Subway and order sandwiches pedantically. That’s, like, way more reductionistic, fool, so don’t blame anything on us.

Baseball is different from cricket as the latter is interesting and involves skill, whereas baseball is a glorified version of rounders featuring strange men wearing equally strange, tight clothing whilst possessing names like Babe Ruth. That’ll do, pig? You’re goddamn right it will! Any more of this sort of shenanigan and baseball will be shut down for public indecency.

Anyway, the real question at hand here is to do with the bats. Cricket bats and baseball bats don’t resemble animal bats – the latter is typically black, carries rabies with it like some sort of obscure perfume, and is as blind as a bat (which is ironic). Bats, being blind, no doubt have no interest in human based sports, as they can’t see them.

Indeed, the bat is more interested in hunting moths, so we must presume hitting a six or getting a home run is about as interesting for bats as guano is to human beings. Thusly, we must conclude bats and other types of bats are completely unrelated – like a bald man and a bald tyre, they are intrinsically linked by the same word but share no tangible similarities. Now that is deep.

Bats and Other Sports

On a different note, we must state the bat (in all its forms) isn’t particularly useful for other sports. Give a golfer a cricket bat, for instance, and you’ve got one weird sporting event. Give a tennis player a wild bat and Boris Becker wouldn’t have won many Grand Slams. Indeed, he’d have been too busy being rushed to hospital for important injections.

Thusly we must conclude the bat has found its place in the world – whether hanging upside down inside a cave shrieking at a volume human ears can’t perceive, or clobbering a solid ball towards a terrified wicket-keeper, bats are ubiquitous with bat related things and this is the way it will always be.

Finally, whilst we’ve cussed out bats today as largely terrifying little beats, we should comment that webbed-winged maniacs do at least keep the local moth population under control. We’d been getting dislocated shoulders by swining our cricket bats around in wild abandon trying to squish the bloody moths. For this, kudos, sir bat. Kudos.

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