As one grows up, the notion of breakfast in bed is considered a luxurious and irregular experience which could only ever be afforded to a VIP. This is bizarre as even the lowliest of working class scumbags can easily get in bed with their bacon, beans, and eggs each morning for a massive chow down. Thusly, we’re calling out breakfast in bed for the pile of freakish lies and horse manure it well and truly is.

The image above kind of highlights what’s up here, because when one does have breakfast in bed (invariably on a tray) it’s an awkward and potentially messy experience. Indeed, one slight misadventure and breakfast in bed becomes breakfast ON bed! Oh man, we’ve waited 31 years to crack that one. Anyway, let’s wax lyrical some more.

Breakfast in Bed

It’s a nice enough gesture, but one which isn’t grounded in reality. We can imagine many boyfriends across the world making a grand romantic gesture to their love interest by bringing breakfast in bed. You dump the tray on your better half and expect them to shriek hysterically and consider you the best person ever. Rubbish! They should be calling you a grotesque imbecile!

It’s the balancing act with the tray that’s the problem. Bed was invented for a reason – you lie in it. You don’t attempt to have a three course breakfast in the damn thing. Attempting to balance out your cornflakes, tea/coffee, orange juice, and slices of toast is a hellish nightmare which we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemies (these include Popeye the Sailor Man, Ernest Hemingway, and labradors).

As it’s possible to splodge food all over your sheets, this (for any self-respecting keeper of a house) is a horrifying scenario. What if there’s a splodge? Well, you look like a barbarian, that’s what. Are you a barbarian? No, so eat your breakfast away from bed like the civilized individual you are!

A New Era of Breakfasts

If you really have to eat breakfast in bed, the safe solution is to invent something which stores all breakfast related materials in one handy container, such as a steel bucket. Bucket in bed is the end result, although it’s not overly glamorous lying there spooning baked beans from a bucket into your stupid face.

Ultimately, breakfast is a meal like any other. You don’t have a lunch in bed, or roast dinner in bed, do you? Of course not! So stop being lazy and indulge in a hearty breakfast as nature intended – stuffing it into your moronic face as quickly as possible whilst standing half dressed because you’re late for work. Indeed. Indigestion is your friend.