Without cotton earbuds (or cotton swabs – whatever you call them) you would not be able to look at anyone you know and love without first seeing a mass of waxy goop slithering merrily down the side of their neck. Indeed, this was what everyone in the past had to look at on a daily basis. No wonder everyone was so mental back then.

These days, one would be deemed a psychopath if one didn’t scoop the badness out of one’s ears. However, it recently hit the news a cotton earbud is just about the worst way to clean out an ear canal. Indeed, evidently far worse than, say, a flamethrower or a nuclear missile. So… what the Hell are we supposed to use instead? Thankfully, we’re here to find out!

5 Other Ways To Clean Your Ears

It’s becoming impossible to do anything in modern society without some “expert” telling you how to do things. So how does one bloody well clean one’s ears? Well, we’re the experts in being dangerously idiotic, so go ahead and try and some of the following methods if you dare. Logically, they’re going to be safer than using a bloody cotton earbud.

1. A Vacuum Cleaner

Maybe it seems obvious now, but in the past jamming a vacuum cleaner on maximum suction against your ear orifice may have seemed like a bad idea. Pish and tish! All it does is render you completely and utterly deaf, which is useful as then you won’t be able to hear anyone reminding you about how disgusting your ears look.

2. An Overenthusiastic Dog

Dogs often like to lick their owners with wanton glee, so why not turn this affection into an ear cleaning exercise? Granted, the sound of your dog’s gross tongue slobbering at your face isn’t the best, but at least you’ll be able to hit the town looking the part.

3. With Your Fist

Repeatedly thumping your first into your face (aim roughly for your ear) is a fantastic way to clean your ears. At the very least, after you’ve accidentally broken your nose, no one will give a damn about your filthy ears as blood will be pouring liberally down your face. Don’t panic! Just go to hospital, and get them to syringe your ears whilst you’re there, eh?

4. A Rattlesnake

Get hold of a rattlesnake and send it slithering on down your ear canal. Believe you me, the little dear won’t be in the slightest bit psychotically outraged by this injustice, it’ll merely do its best to help the poor little human along. Hurray! Pristine ears await!

5. An Electric Chair

Get yourself an electric chair, strap yourself in, and stick it on incinerate. Whilst you’ll probably not survive, you will at least clean out your ears as the waxy goop is obliterated by the savage onslaught of 2,000 volts. This, of course, may seem a bit extreme and childish of us to suggest this, but when the alternative is stuffing an earbud into your ear, you can see we’ve considered this with great care and attention.