Here at Professional Moron, we battled with a dodgy bathroom sink over the weekend. It’s an age old problem which age or getting old doesn’t seem to have an obvious answer for: what do you do when your sink starts getting blocked up? What? “Call a plumber”? Balls to that. Way too pragmatic for us there, dude!

One better solution is to head to a local supermarket and use harsh chemicals hidden behind happy-go-lucky names (Mr. Muscle here in the UK, for instance). Chemicals so bloody hazardous if you so much as sniff at them you’ll feel yourself entering the fourth dimension. So… what’s the healthy alternative? Enter Professional Moron!

Putrescence

As you can see with the name there, putrescence is a drain unblocker with a difference – it doubles up as a shampoo. Indeed, as you take your shower you can rest assured those chemicals washing down your plughole are keeping everything marvellous down there – no annoying blockages, no strange gurgling noises, and no embarrassing questions from visiting friends.

So what’s in our special formula? Well it’s got your standard stuff such as Sodium hypochlorite Sodium hydroxide Amines, C12-18-alkyldimethyl, and N-oxides. To liven things up we’ve added a hearty dose of semtex, chlorine (who doesn’t love chlorine?), mint leaves, and shampoo and conditioner.

To use, simply clamber into your shower (fully clothed or not – whatever you want) and bathe as normal, using putrescence liberally. Whilst there may be an initial stinging sensation (your skin may also begin to peel off with much gusto) and the odd minor explosion from the drains below you, do not fear. It’s merely putrescence doing its job!

Whilst this may sound insanely dangerous, we can assure you the chemicals we use in putrescence offer only minimum potential harm to consumers. Indeed, our very own Mr. Wapojif tested the product out in his shower and was later found collapsed in the corner of his flat as a whimpering, rambling madman. This was considered normal behaviour for him, so the product is a colossal success!

Consumer Advice Warning

Due to the Consumer Rights Act 2015, we have to stipulate the potential health problems of the product. The most notable one is if you swallow this drain unblocker the corrosive nature of its contents will lead to immediate death. Consequently, we do not recommend swallowing the drain unblocker.

Many of our other test product users also complained of relentless itchiness, nausea, general malaise, and dreams of electric sheep. Whatever, this is nothing a good stroll in the British countryside can’t clear up! Fresh air is the answer to all of our worries, which is what we keep reminding the British authorities whenever we’re stamped with another health and safety warning.

Putrescence will be available in stores from November priced £30 ($50) a gallon. It’ll make you smell minty fresh, probably clear your drains (that’s not a euphemism), and only leave you with several temporary unsightly physical disfigurations. One for your best friend’s Christmas stocking then, eh?