Exclusive Recipe: Salt and Vinegar Ice Cream!

Salt and vinegar ice cream
It’s not dandruff, it’s just salt.

Summer may be over but, by heck, this doesn’t mean we’re not going to try and milk the remaining few weeks of relative warmth. No, like the Daily Express on a sugar bender, we’re going to pretend it’s still warm enough to stand around outside in those strange, knobbly knee showing man pant things, replete with sandals.

Why not? The sun is still shining. We want ice cream! This is why we’ve invented what will eventually become (probably) a summer time staple – salt and vinegar ice cream! Yes, it’ll cure all of your post-summer time blues even though that famous song goes: “There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues!” Well, clearly there is as we just invented it, thicko!

Salt and Vinegar Ice Cream

People eat salt and vinegar crisps all the time, so why not take this traditional recipe to its logical conclusion – build on the formula! Some people don’t like change, of course, and panic at the mere hint of subversion, which is why one of the central ingredients of this recipe is cocaine so they can calm their nerves and enjoy running up to random strangers for a hug.

Regardless, some of you may baulk at such a gross sounding recipe. You might say: “Jesus H Christ, Professional Moron, you really live up to your name!” and expect friends and family to politely clap at your banal attempt at wit, whilst you sit behind your keyboard with a sanctimonious grin on your face.

Well, fool, take one lick of our salt and vinegar ice cream and that smug grin will be banished to the back of your throat as you combat your gag reflex and attempt to not cry! Yeah, we’re going full salt with this bad boy and ramping up the total to 20g of salt per dollop – that’s borderline illegal. Yeah!

The vinegar will act as a kind of thirst quencher amongst such a near fatal overdose. However, some of you may begin to feel your mind beginning to falter as severe dehydration kicks in. Don’t panic, for at this moment the Class A narcotic will kick in and you’ll be sprinting down the street in no time in order to find your nearest rave.

“This is Stupid!”

Whilst we have been receiving complaints from our readers and death threats from the more outraged amongst you, we will not deviate away from our policy of pushing the boundaries of decency. Like Donald Trump rambling on about the beauty of daffodils (that’s the last topical reference we’re doing for a while, we promise), we’re on a roll and we’re not going to stop.

Anyway, let’s report some of the responses to salt and vinegar ice cream from our gallant food testers. Mike: “Bloody DISGUSTING!”, Claire: “Vomit inducing…”, and Deirdre: “It made me question my concept of reality.” As you can see, it’s a mixed bag, but if you like bags of salt and vinegar crisps you’re sure to love this!

7 comments

    • Oops, sorry for the delayed response! We actually get salted caramel popcorn here as well, but I agree the general consensus is to keep it well below 20g of salt per spoonful. I’m sure I could comprise at 10g.

  1. Hmm, I’m not a big fan of ice-cream.
    However, I might just rush out and try “Salt & Vinegar” ice-cream. The thing is, if I don’t like it, I could just turn around & sell it to a coke head. OR, if I unfortunately was surrounded by Zika infested mosquitoes, I could use it as a repellent, or if bitten use it as an anti-viral poultice.
    This could be the invention that puts you over the top!

    • REALLY?! I love ice cream, but don’t eat it as I don’t want to way 300 lbs. Thanks for the support, though! One of these days I’ll hit on a breakthrough idea and the public will rush out to buy it and become catatonically ill.

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