Exclusive Invention: The Fork-Lift Truck (it has lots of forks)

Forklift truck
You’d better believe it!

We just can’t get enough of inventions at the moment! We’re on a total roll, especially now the fork-lift truck has arrived. This miraculous piece of engineering is a joy to behold, as it helps all of the unemployed forks of the world find gainful employment. Truly, our blog has done many great things since its 2012 inception (besides the chaos, destruction, and lawsuits we’ve incurred) and we take great pride in helping to shape a glorious new world.

Ever noticed how forklift trucks just don’t pick things up well enough? We sure have. Ever tried to eat spaghetti Bolognese with a forklift truck? We sure have, it sucks! Ever tried to pick your nose with a forklift truck? We did, and we needed several nose transplants. Evidently, this archaic machine is outdated and needs un-outdating, so we’ve invented the fork-lift truck to mend its heinous ways.

The Fork-Lift Truck

Most of you will know the fork as a trusty eating implement. Without it, you would be dead as you’d never have eaten anything (except if you know how to use chopsticks, but then only 0.1% of the world’s population can). So, why isn’t the fork used with other things? Well, this is why we’ve combined the fork, rather aptly, with the fork-lift truck.

The premise is the same, don’t get us wrong, this truck picks stuff up. However, instead of those useless prong things on the front, there will be a load of forks. In our beta model these are glued together, but for Fork-Lift Truck 2.0 we’ll make sure they’re haphazardly welded together for additional, extra, added, and bonus tensile strength.

For a mere £10,000 ($13,000), you can order this fabulous machine for your home! You’ll find it’s extremely useful for moving furniture about, snagging tables, outraging the family dog, and knocking stuff over. It’s also good fun to drive and you can even floor it to work in this thing, if this is legal in your country*.

In the Event of Disaster

Please note, the fork-lift truck isn’t very good at truckhandling (like manhandling, but less perverted) heavy objects. Indeed, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, attempted to fork-lift truck a consignment of 500 pomegranates from one side of the office to the other. The result was a catastrophic fork failure which left hundreds of pomegranates strewn about the place. Picking them up was bloody annoying… if only there’d been a bloody forklift truck around to use.

Anyway, we can imagine some companies may wish to use the fork-lift to ferry about stuff such as heavy machinery, nuclear warheads, bazookas, cars, and maybe even the odd enormous crate of wine. This isn’t wise as the fork-lift truck can realistically only support about 1 stone of weight before pathetically collapsing as if Uri Geller has worked his magic on them.

“What is the purpose of this invention?” you might ask. Good question! It’s one we also can’t answer. All we can state is this: it’s an invention. Genius takes time to cultivate and, like a fine wine (so long as it’s not been smashed due to our invention), we expect the fork-lift truck to come into its own in about 50 years when “stuff” will be lighter. Possibly.

*It won’t be – it’s illegal everywhere.


    • Absolutely! Whenever anyone collides with someone, the driver could shout “Fork off!” and everyone would laugh heartily. Oh man, it would be a jolly event… until one driver would take it too far and take PEDs. Forking imbecile!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Now this doesn’t surprise me for some reason, although that is one amazing design. Kind of like a Swiss army fork. Surely it could go off when you’re innocently eating your dinner, too, so I can see why it didn’t catch on with families.


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