Exclusive New Event: Bonbon Fire Night – Now With More Agony!

Bonbon Fire Night
Burn. Burn! BUUURRRN!!!

Right, so Bonfire Night is about this dude called Guy Fawkes who once decided to blow up British parliament because he hated it and, over subsequent generations, British people celebrate this annually by making Guy Fawkes effigies and burning them on fires. Hey, whoever said us Brits are polite sorts?

Anyway, Fawkes’ antics prompted much guffawing and pompous outrage amongst the British elite. Indeed, phrases such as “By Jove!”, “Golly gosh!”, “Crikey!”, “I say!”, and much other stiff upper lip behaviour was born out before Fawkes was brutally executed. It makes us think, in an era of nanny state, PC, loony lefty nanny PC state leftist stupidity, why not make things a bit more extreme as a perfect antidote (with bonbons)?

Bonbon Fire Night

Bonbons are those little sweets which, if you’re not careful, will pummel your teeth into nothingness. Super tasty they may be, but eating them is like playing Russian roulette – you’re putting your teeth on the line every time you take on one of those bad boys.

Traditional bonfire night is analogous to this; whichever event you go to, you’re putting your life in the hands of drunk revellers who want to burn and blow up stuff. Indeed, errant fireworks are always a problem at Bonfire Nights. You can be standing around pedantically discussing how Fawkes was decapitated due to his part in the Gunpowder Plot of 1605, when you’re hit in the head by a rocket firework and you lose an eyeball.

What’s the solution? Well, you could use a bonbon as a fake eyeball… but you only have two eyes, so this would only really work once. Plus, the bonbon would go all icky in the eye socket and would look like that bit in Jaws when Ben Gardener’s partially devoured head rears into view and Hooper loses his cool.

So what is the solution? Plain and simple – up the ante! Light the candle at both ends! Double the number of bonfires at every party, cover everything in petrol (including the fireworks), and hand out free bonbons to all subsequent burn victims and survivors. It’s a new era of psychotically dangerous British events, and Bonbon Fires are the way forward.

This Makes Me Proud to be British… Even Though I’m Not British!

To be, or not to be British? Well, today all of our readers (most of you are from America, according to our analytics) are honorary Brits and on this 5th November we encourage you to head out into your back garden and set fire to something. It can be anything you want – your car, the garden itself, your trousers, or your neighbour’s lawn. Burn it to the ground!

When the police turn up (known as “the pigs” here in the UK), merely inform them you’ve been ordered by a Professional Moron to partake in this activity. They’ll chortle and say, “By Jove, that’s just spiffing!” and leave you be. Either that or they’ll rugby tackle you, tazer you, and drag your ass to the cells. Whatever, you can’t blame us. We’re merely spreading anachronistic British cheer.

5 comments

  1. Speaking as a historian, I can state that Fawkes was merely the ‘fall guy’ for the Bedford conspiracy of 1605. Well, when I say ‘fall guy’ what I actually mean is ‘hurtle into the air in 1,000,000 pieces and get splattered over a very wide area’ guy, apparently if he’d actually managed to light all the fuses, the first would have gone off before he’d finished with the last. Oops. Definitely safer to stick with bonbons (especially when the sugar gets that nice caramelised glaze…)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I think most Brits these days haven’t read into it properly and just presume he was the mastermind. However, I do like how he accepted his fate and just started insulting everyone during his trial. He also threw himself off some scaffolding before the worst of the whole execution stuff and that was that. Gruesome but effective. A bit weird we celebrate this with such passion.

      Like

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