Fashion isn’t normally our cup of tea. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, usually only wears really old smelly clothes so no one ever bothers him in the street. Why? As he’s a misanthropic lunatic who doesn’t desire to lower himself towards things such as English pleasantries and polite small talk.
This is why he’s invented the shkirt, which is a skirt and shirt hybrid which is enough to repulse even the most hardened fashionistas. Yes, the shkirt is for men only and is essentially a onesie – you have to step into the thing and then get a friend to zip you up. You’ll also need to carry a shield with you as you’ll find people will begin to pelt rocks and eggs at you fairly rapidly. Want to find out more? Read on!
Social tradition dictates the skirt is for women only. Why? As, apparently, hairy man legs simply aren’t good looking enough. Well, this is an outrage! If men want to flaunt their hairy assets in public then it is their right to do so!
This is what the shkirt will correct. It’s lovingly created out of the finest cotton wool money can afford and stitched together by our barely amateur time of knitters. At a mere £100 ($200), it’s quite the glorious piece of onesie for the modern man.
To get into it, the man must place the shkirt on the floor, step into the gap, and then hav his bestie pull it up around him and sellotape, glue, and staple the thing to his body. It’s not painless but then, hey, neither is gargling mouthwash! Whoever said looking this good was easy? Certainly not Leonardo da Vinci in Titanic, that’s for sure!
After he is dressed, the man can head out into public to parade around in the thing. The shkirt is available in the following colours: pink, yellow, and the type of dark black which empties your soul of joy, hope, and morality. It depends what sort of mood you’re in, I guess.
Beware of Public Contempt
Whilst the shkirt is comfortable and economical in its use, it does make guys look a bit camp and stupid. Mr. Wapojif trial ran the shkirt over this summer and was subjected to quite an array of physical and verbal abuse, with a regular comment being “What the f***?!” and that he was a massive “bell end”.
As for the aforementioned shield, you can buy one of these from any reputable shield shop in your local vicinity. Shields R Us is our favourite as they make sturdy shields which are suitable for us. They also successfully deflect the empty vodka bottles and Big Macs which chavs have hurled at us.
You’ll need one! If you wear the black version, you can also be prepared for many people to drop to their knees in front of you shrieking in despair. It’s that type of shirt and skirt combo colour, we’re afraid, but you’ll look smoking hot, dude, so who gives a damn?!
Woman can try and wear this if they wish, but as this is for men only, offending women will be arrested by local police forces to ensure, peacefully, the shkirt remains one of the finest garments ever created for the man. Glorious!