Agony Aunt: “sup dawg? ma gf is like wtf wiv da shelfies aight!”

Shelf
Dayum… that’s an amazing shelfie!

It’s true we live in an age where we’re forever switched on 24/7. Social media is about being social. Really, someone should make anti-social media for the misanthropes of the world. It’s important to balance expectations, eh? This is especially true when it comes to the humble shelfie.

The Shelfie

yo. sup? me an me biatch hang out like all da ****ing time and shes like taking ****ing shelfies all the ****ing time coz shes a ****ing biatch and she donut show me no ****ing respek an i are ****ing ****ed the f*** off about the whole ****ing load of ***ed up f***. how do i stop this ****ing woman stop being so ****ing mental wiv ma shelves?! i are only got like 1 of them 2 an she juzz keep her ****ing 50 shades of ****ed up s*** on it! like WTF?! aiiiie can u show me sum fasho help or i are bail on this doll. FrizzKeyPete

Hi there, Peter. Gosh! That’s a potty mouth you have on you there, dear! From what we can gather from your barely comprehensible gibberish, there is some sort of issue going on between you and your girlfriend. This would appear to be as she keeps taking pictures of your shelves – the shelfie.

The shelfie is a way for some people to express pride in their book collection. If your girlfriend only has a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, this isn’t much of a book collection. However, we must not be snobbish here and, instead, we’ll educate you on how to be more appreciative of her passion for hardcore, annoyingly dreadful, pornographic literature. Either this, or you can end this relationship with violent abruptness.

Aiiiiiie!

Let us not forget, any hobby must start somewhere. Let us take your hobby – profanity. At some stage in your life, you deviated away from polite discourse in favour of leaving a trail of obscenities throughout your daily activities.

Your girlfriend has followed suit with her penchant for dodgy books. What’s the solution? As we’ve found throughout our barely credible psychological career, an amicable finale is rarely a possibility. Indeed, broken ribs and shattered pride are what you have to look forward to!

You need to get brutal. Phone the police and tell them your girlfriend just robbed a bookstore and is hiding in your flat. They will kick down your door within half an hour armed with bazookas. Point to the shelf and wait for one copper to cry out, “Oh you, bastard! I’ve seen some things in my time, but this is on another level!”. They’ll then rugby tackle your “biatch” and drag her off for a night in the cells.

A Night in da Cells

Prior to all of this, you can inform her she’s about to receive the ultimate “cellfie”. When she says, “Don’t you mean shelfie, babe?!”, you can say, “Aiiie, yeh, sorry biatch my speech is ****ed up from all the heroin i bean snortin’!”. Rest assured, however, her time in jail will be a time of reflection and general woe, which will probably end her addictive shelf problem (maybe).

The bad news is, if you like your biatch, you will have to bail her out. Or you can just bail on her. Whatever, man, just be aware of this: swearing isn’t big or clever. It’s rude, offensive, and bloody awful. Bear this in mind, FrizzyKeyPete. All the best!

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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