Exclusive Invention: The Bath Tube

The Bath Tube
Your standard bathtub, complete with hole in the wall.

Bathtubs are great and all that, but we’re getting pretty bored of the generic design. They’re so dull most people just have a shower these days, which is a complete and utter disaster as it means it makes people start singing stuff like “Oops I did it again” and whatever other garbage is in the charts.

Luckily, the bath tube is here to save us all! The name is pretty self-explanatory. It’s kind of like your regular bath, except it’s a giant tube and, as with most test tubes, there’s a giant plug which can be stuck into the top bit. This is great as, if someone decides to take up singing, not only will you not be able to hear them, but the offender will suffocate within five minutes. Bliss!

The Bath Tube

We’ve been accused of making misanthropic inventions in the past, but we say “balderdash” to such garbage! Except this one, which is a bit “in your face” we admit. Heck, as an edgy young blog of five years of age we’ve got to throw out those radical ideas all the time. Why? Well, you fade into obscurity otherwise.

The bath tube is most certainly set to ensure this isn’t going to happen. What happens, right, is you prop it against a wall, fill it with water, and then put a Bunsen burner/small fire at the bottom of it. Keep heating until the water is tepid enough to bathe in.

If you’re using the firewood method here, be aware your property will quickly become clogged as the fire belches out thick pulses of black and grey smoke. This may lead to complaints from anyone else you live with, and may also burn down your property if left unattended. Perhaps open a window and keep an eye on it, eh? No switching on the heating and clearing off to watch Socks and the City for half an hour. You hear?

Is It Relaxing?

Well, trying to climb up the enormous bath tube is quite troublesome. As a sprightly 32-year-old, our esteemed editor Mr. Wapoijif just about managed to slither and splash his way into the tube. Glamorous it was not. It was a shambles.

The only people who will likely be able to use this product are super strong folks who spend too much time in the gym. However, they’ll be able to climb up it but not fit in the tube shape as they’re too bloody muscly. Indeed, anyone who fits into the following bracket of sizes won’t be able to use the bath tube: skinny, thin, not necessarily slender, stocky, tall, podgy, rotund, fat, obese, and morbidly obese. Sorry about that, we guess it’s a design fault.

You’ll have to be emaciated to get in the thing, but (of course) you won’t be strong enough to scramble up it. Our solution is to rest the bath tube on the ground and climb in. This spills the water everywhere, of course, so maybe get in it prior to any water being added, get some Schwarzenegger-esque lunatic to hoist you up, fill up the thing, heat it up, and then leave you to bathe.

It’s unnecessarily complicated, we agree, but then that’s life for you. Got a problem with the bath tube? Go and use your foul smelling, putrid, gross, uncomfortable, generic, and stupid old bathtub. Fools.

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