Agony Aunt: “My husband just cheated on me with an avatar!”

Agony Aunt - Video Games
Moronic men will often fall in love with anything.

An avatar, if you’re wondering, is a character which represents a person in a video game. This has nothing to do with psychopathic genius action film director James Cameron’s 2009 epic. No, it seems some men have started to fall in love with computer generated imagery. Well, it takes all sorts, eh?

Avatar

Hi, Professional Moron. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to explain this to you. My husband used to be a good man, but after becoming addicted to the computer game World of Warcraft he is now as evil as poo. He's begun "dating" a sprite within the game called PsychoBiatchX and claims he's "fallen in love" with "her"! Like... WTF? How is that even possible?! I asked him about "her" and he says he loves her "edgy" attitude and "scathing" put downs of "noobie scum". I asked him if he knows what she looks like, but they've only expressed their love for one another online, although she claims she's a "blonde bombshell" of 25. He's 40. I'm at a loss here... what should I do?! Beth

Hi, Beth! This is, surprisingly, not uncommon. In the internet era, many men are falling for digitised fantasy figures, arguably due to the extended reach of the male gaze. We’re not saying men are sexist and stupid, but you only have to see the success of Lara Croft to realise a lot of them are colossally superficial imbeciles.

There’s a strong possibility PsychoBiatchX isn’t a “blonde bombshell” at all, with the greater likelihood it’s someone called Gary who is fat, balding, and who lives in a garage. Your husband is likely smitten with the attention he’s receiving, whilst mindlessly ignoring the reality of his situation. You need to connect with him emotionally, which means joining WoW yourself!

Noobie Scum

World of Warcraft may be a daunting experience at first (you’ll be labelled as “noobie scum” by acne ridden teenagers – they’ll call you “gay” as well), but steel your nerves, soldier, and take on relentless armies of evil lunatics (by which we mean a small army of belligerent gamers).

Comport yourself, woman! Head into the online wilderness to take on PsychoBiatchX and wipe her off the face of WoW. You’ll be able to reconnect with your husband along the way, whilst quipping such adorkable lines as: “I shall wear her severed head like a hat!”. You can get away with this stuff online, you know.

If All is Lost

Sometimes violent love (our restyled version of tough love) is the only option. If your husband doesn’t respond to your digital efforts, then he will respond to your real-life physical violence.

You can embody the real PsychoBiatchX. Dress up as an orc or whatever (watch that Warcraft film for ideas) and be dastardly – whilst he’s obsessively playing, brutally beat him around the head with a demon blade you’ve made out of a cucumber and fire extinguisher. You could also get him drunk and glue his higher extremities to his mouse and keyboard, leaving him destined to a life of shame and ridicule!

Finally, why not try a bit of good old jealousy? Head online to find a digital hunk for yourself. Canadian former Formula One driver Jacques Villeneuve plays MMORPGs, so mingle with the millions of players until you locate him – you can then commence an illicit relationship. You’ll probably want to stick with Villeneuve after that seeing as he’s totally loaded, so best of luck with your search!

7 comments

    • Word of Warcraft – it’s on the PC. There have been some touching stories of people meeting through it and getting married. Which is nice.

      Most people, however, simply like to exchange abuse. Which is not nice. There was an incident once when a wife deleted her husband’s characters as she felt he was spending too much time on it, and he sued her for “murdering” his avatars. Which is weird.

    • I don’t think it’s uncommon in films or games. You see someone who essentially could be an idealised partner – even if they aren’t real. For me, I always thought I could get on well with Midna from one of the Zelda games. That girl/monster thing is awesome.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s