Exclusive Invention: Bling Bags (pimped up bin bags)

The Bling Bag
So how do you take this and add some puerile gangsta rap oomph?

This is an era of grotesque excess, materialism, and financial squandering, so what better than to get into the spirit of things by pimping up your bin bags? This is exactly the revelation we had this morning as we spent £300 on a gold medallion, realised we hated it, and so chucked it in the bin. This is when it hit us – our bin bags are bland and offensive. They need pimping up.

Thusly, the bling bag was born! With a bit of jewellery and a reliance on by far the worst music genre of them all, we’ll turn your everyday, foul smelling bin bags and make you want to take them to bed with you. Sleeping with your trash, you’ll enjoy extreme insomnia as you spend your nights sniffing last week’s tin of baked beans and those old kipper bones. Hot stuff.

Bling Bags

Okay, so you disrespect (also known as “dissrespek!”) us by saying you’d never get in bed with your trash? What if we were to say to you that bag of trash has cutting edge technology, earrings, chains, diamond rings, and neon lights strapped to it? Oh yeah, it’s so pimped up it’s beaming! Bet you’re ready to hit the hay now, huh?!

Of course, that rotting rack of spare ribs isn’t the ideal smell to send you off to the land of nod, which is why our bling bags are sprayed with the very finest Burberry Weekend for Men Eau de Toilette 100ml (£22.75 a bottle). That’s right – it doesn’t get any more macho than slapping on some perfume and having a kip with a load of stench-ridden garbage! Are we right, or what?

As for the aforementioned “cutting edge technology” – the bling bag is a smartbin bag. Indeed, it comes packing a digital camera, WiFi, bluetooth, and a Selfie Stick so you can take some shots off your ripped physique chillaxing in bed with whatever crap you’ve been eating.

Of course, bling bags aren’t just for sleeping around! Once they’re full up, simply take them out to your bins and chuck them in there. The bags come equipped with a drive-by detector which can sense the pointlessness, immaturity, and intense stupidity of such events from a 10-mile radius away! The result? The bling bag begins emitting a 150dB warning: “Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieee!!!” – enough to terrify the most hardened gangsta rapper.

Aight… Sick, Blud!

Absolutely, dear! Each bling bag costs but a mere £200 ($300) and a bundle can be bought for but a further mere £500 ($600). Bling bags are entirely biodegradable, as after a few minutes of exposure to rap music they’re ready to give up on life and join bin bag heaven!

Don’t forget – whilst bling bags are sturdy and robust, they aren’t ideal for human corpses. In the event you have a carcass to dispose of, we can recommend you get in touch with the police and apologetically explain how you accidentally murdered one of your rival gangsters by shooting him 17 times. Best of luck, blud!

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