Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! It seems like some of our readers have forgotten the great maxim: beauty is in the eye of the beetroot holder. Indeed, today’s specimen clearly hasn’t been holding many beetroots at all – she’s committing a cardinal sin: ditching a loyal husband as he’s a bloated waste of space. Thankfully, we’re here to dish out the advice!
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beetroot Holder
Hey. I woke up the other day and rolled over in my bed and took a look at my husband's bloated, sleepy face and had a mid-life crisis. I didn't realise he was quite as ugly as that until that moment... I seemed to remember he were pretty fit, but then he is in his 40s and has put on a s***load of weight. I don't want to be shallow or anything, but as a smoking hot babe myself I deserve a slice of hunky Adonis manly perfection. I mean, my husband is sweet, funny, lovely, charming and rich, but as an attractive female I demand some serious 10/10 type hot stuff - Channing Tatum meets Einstein meets Shakespeare meets Ghandi. That's all I want from my man. Should I get the divorce settlement on the way or get ready to, you know, bump him off? Cheers - Stacy
Hi, Stacy. We live in a looks-driven society, particularly in the West, although many people never appear to realise looks are (and is) arbitrary. You have almost no external control over how you appear, other than with weight maintenance and sensible dress sense, yet modern society places good looking people on a pedestal. Forget such facinorous considerations – it’s important to remember personality is central to any relationship.
You appear to hold him in high regard as a person, so perhaps encourage him to lose some weight to rekindle your attraction. Bumping him off is not advisable – cold blooded murder is usually illegal in most countries. Similarly, don’t divorce him just yet – wait to see if he responds to your criticisms. After all, getting himself fit and healthy is good for his health and you can help him along with clinical brutality, if necessary!
An Enforced Hunger Strike
If he can’t be bothered shifting a few pounds, perhaps consider sticking him on a hunger strike. Have you seen the film Misery? Hobble the bastard with an iron weight hammer and strap him to your bed – you can feed him an anchovy a die (oops… we mean “day”!) and he should be okay. After 30 days, he’ll have shredded the pounds!
Naturally, as with much of our relationship advice (we’ve come to realise this recently, after a police investigation), he’ll be psychologically demolished in the immediate aftermath. However, with the right rehabilitation he’ll be a subservient, doting, and hot as s*** husband in the time it takes to say: “I am not superficial, I just have psychotically high standards.”
If the above fails, you could use a vacuum cleaner to perform liposuction. As he sleeps, simply jam one of those extendible nozzles down his gob and hoover up all the excess fat. Do note – this could be potentially fatal, so only leave it down there for 60 second intervals.
Plastic surgery will round this off nicely, post-liposuction. Consider a Face/Off scenario, too. Bribe Channing Tatum (seeing as you’re a fan) to part with his mug for your husband’s fizzog. You’ll then, essentially, be married to a Hollywood star! Better yet, he won’t be busy on movie sets so you’ll be able to ogle him at every waking moment. Best of luck, Stacy!