War is hell… unless you’re, like, just watching it unfold in a movie, then it’s mildly distressing or, if you’re a psychopath, enjoyable. If you’re Lieutenant Bill Kilgore (apt name, or what?), who lived through Vietnam, then you’ll dig the smell of napalm, as well as wandering around half naked striking camp hands on hips poses (see the clip below).

Of course, most of us prefer the smell of things like a cup of coffee in the morning, or the exhaust fumes from a thousand grumpy, sleepy bastards in their automobiles in urban areas. That’ll put hair on your chest! Something which Robert Duvall was lacking in this legendary scene… but what if he’d ad libbed something?

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

Here’s the original in all its shirtless glory. Having never fought in a war we can’t write from experience, but we do still believe it would be a good idea to wear full body armour or a hazmat suit at all times, especially if there’s napalm kicking around. Kill gore? Yeah. Full on.

I love the smell of ‘naaaam in the morning

This would have been the more politically correct version of the film, but then when did Marlon Brando ever star in anything PC, huh, Stella? To make this work, by the way, you got to say it like “‘naam”. The longer you hold onto the “‘naaaaam” bit the better.

I love the smell of date palm in the morning

Dates are fantastic vegetables which have added considerable joy to our lives over the last four years. They don’t have anything to do with war, death, and destruction – fact.

I love the smell of my palm in the morning

Okay, dude, if you’ve got some weird palm fetish then that’s your problem. Keep it to yourself, please, there’s a country to invade here.

I love the smell of tapeworm in the morning

Well it’s not surprising a lot of soldiers got a tapeworm lodged in them during Vietnam, but Kilgore’s enthusiasm to spill personal details is something of a grotesque bore.

I love the smell of a broken arm in the morning

We’re pretty sure broken arms don’t smell of anything unless you’ve smothered the break in TCP in a flawed attempt to heal it. That stuff sure is pungent!

I love the smell of sitcoms in the morning

Indeed, nothing beats a bit of Frien… hey, hang on! WTF? Sitcoms don’t smell of anything. If they did, we guess it’d be the tears of dismay over stuff like when Ross and Rachel broke up that time. “We were on a break!” my ass! Snap out of it, Ross!

I love the smell of tom-toms in the morning

Damn straight!

I love the smell of my arm in the morning

Jesus… enough with the weird fetishes, Lieutenant Bill Kilgore!

I love smelting napalm in the morning

This isn’t a wise activity. We’re pretty sure this would end with some sort of mortifying injury of some sort, such as searing flesh.

I love smoking napalm in the morning *hack* *cough* *splutter*

This is probably as unhealthy as wandering around with your shirt off in a war zone, mate.

J’adore le smell of napalm dans le matin. Bon!

Had Lieutenant Kilgore been more like Sergeant Elias in Platoon (1986), he may have been more open to being a pretentious bastard.

I love the smell of naysayers in the morning

Those goddamn naysayers… always spreading pessimism and grief.

I love the smell of wigwam in the morning

A wigwam is one of those weird homes which, admittedly, probably smell just great. It helps if you say the “wam” bit like a posh British person – “waaaaam”.

I love the smell of pogrom in the morning

Pogrom is a Russian word which means to “wreak havoc”… a shame that’s not analogous to warfare in any way. Oh well!

I love the smell of yawning in the morning

Not if someone you know has been eating garlic, eh?

I love the smell of Napster in the morning

That’s an online music store, if you’re unaware, but one which only kicks up a smell if you’re iPhone catches fire and burns your flesh… which is what horrible old napalm does, ironically.

I love the smell of Jim Morrison in the morning

This is the end? Pervert.