Agony Aunt: “My husband claims he was abducted by aliens. WTF?!”

Agony aunt - boyfriend abducted by aliens
There’s nothing wrong with being abducted. It just means the aliens like you.

Aliens are all over the place, just look at factual documents such as Star Wars and Independence Day: Resurgence. It seems they’ve even started to abduct people from the street again, although there are some who will always remain pessimistic of such claims. Indeed.

Abducted

To the premises of Professional Moron. My husband is claiming he was abducted by aliens who then conducted research on him, and him alone, due to his (as he puts it): "physical perfection and spiritual grandeur". He says he was taken to the planet Perfection 70,000 billion lightyears away from Earth where he was worshipped and handed the meaning of life (which he refuses to tell me). Now he's back on Earth (he was "abducted" during the summer) he has been acting all high and mighty and it's irritating me. Is he mad? I know he's talking garbage! How do I know? I myself was abducted by aliens in 2015 and was informed I am the most blessed being on Earth. How do I prove to this lying bastard only I am special and he is a loser?! Thanks, Lauren.

Hi, Lauren. This is a unique situation for us as, until today, we believed it was only us who had been abducted by aliens! Well… it appears this is becoming something of a banality, eh? Join the club etc. LOL!

Since 1984 our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has been abducted a total of 134 times and whisked across the Universe to locations as exotic as Jupiter and as humdrum as our Moon. Not wishing to sound off, but Mr. Wapojif was told by his alien friends he is the most special human being on Earth. So… you’re wrong with your claim. Deal with it.

The Truth About Alien Abductions

Of course, the sad reality is many people who make claims about alien abductions are either mentally unstable or sad acts who lead desperately miserable and boring lives who are looking to spice things up a bit. We believe this is what may be happening with your husband and you, Lauren. Yes, you!

Your husband is clearly lying and you’ve been suckered into the lie as you yourself are too busy lying about your lie. This is getting complicated – let’s simplify the matter: the Supreme Emperor of Blorg (His Majesty Blorgson III) just now communicated to Mr. Wapojif through a series of telepathic, transmundane shrieks that the only other life in the universe, galaxy, and whatever, is on Earth, Blorg, and around 100 million other planets. Consequently, it is evident you are full of spurious claims, Lauren!

As for your problems with your husband – it’s obvious he’s either jealous of your claims or fed up with the stupidity of them. He’s winding you up, dear. Our advice? Go and watch the latest Star Wars, play some Space Invaders, or watch Futurama – let these sway your erroneous state of mind. It’s time to grow up!

Veracity

Many of you will now be pointing out how we can be so sure of Mr. Wapojif’s claims. Frankly, we can tell from the crazed, steely-eyed expression on his mug this is one bold assertion he isn’t fabricating. Honestly – he often will be working away in his normal, frenzied manner, only to stop, shriek, and scrawl out gibberish with pen and paper.

These are the messages Blorg is sending him and they usually state things such as: “Baked beans would be nice for tea tonight”, “Don’t watch Independence Day: Resurgence, it’s very disappointing”, and “You look nice today”. We have to admit, His Royal Highness Blorgson III is a really nice 9ft slobbering alien monstrosity from a distant, barely imaginable realm.

Mr. Wapojif may also claim to have scaled Mount Everest in only his bobble hat and some pink speedos, to have invented the pickle jar whilst unconscious, to have punched the Queen of England in the face with a spork, and to have married and divorced Arnold Schwarzenegger, but there’s something about the passion in which he relays his tales of abduction which make it evidently truthful.

11 comments

  1. So… I am not a fan of Alien abductions (apologies to Mr. Wapojif)
    I spent many an hour out in the endless horizon of the prairies with my mom (may she RIP)
    There were no lights, save moon, stars and my mom’s flashlight.
    On my rare vaycays home, she insisted on dragging me into dark wheat fields in the Manitoba prairie. Here we were to be offerings to Aliens looking for human resources.
    What a fiasco it always was. The dog was poisoned, my younger sisters went AWOL, my step father drank a bottle of Crown Royal, and … hello …. we we never ever abducted. What a rip-off. After all of this who gives a sh** who invented the pickle jar?

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    • The prairies sound nice. We don’t have those in Manchester. Just a lot of cement. Oh, and a big Quay, which is where I currently live. We have lots of Canadian geese here, strangely enough. Are they lost, or something?

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