It’s winter, but this doesn’t mean anyone is saying “brake the ice” as, apparently, this stupid saying is about acquiring a decent conversation with someone to facilitate friendship, romance, or deep-seated hatred. What a load of anti-freeze!

Some bad ways to try and brake the ice are: “You look repulsive today”, “Jesus… what the hell is wrong with you?”, or “I can see, and smell, that you haven’t been bathing much recently”. Indeed, this is bad braking of the ice, with a much better way to go about things being as follows: “You look lovely today!” Even if you don’t mean it, that’s how you brake the ice.

Brake the Ice

What’s weird is this saying contravenes all known laws for driving on icy roads – don’t hit the brakes! So who is spreading this vile propaganda which could lead to a car accident? We can only presume hippies who hate automobiles – those lefty bastards have destroyed society enough already!

So where did this stupid saying come from? What has ice got to do with complex human relationships? Where do brakes come into any of this? As far as we can tell, the saying came about when a smitten woman driver (bloody women) braked on some ice in order to crash into a dreamboat man bloke and grab a hot date (our evidence for this is we just know it happened).

If ever there has been a more flagrant disregard for human safety… well, the atomic bomb is a bit worse. Still, crashing into people is no way to get a date – there are things like Tinder these days where you can post pictures of yourself pouting half naked in front of a mirror. Anyway, it seems this saying has been propagated across the globe due to one woman’s despicable actions and now we have this stupid saying.

How to Brake the Ice

Seeing as it’s not going anywhere, we’d better give a crash course on how to introduce yourself to people. Humans, being narcissistic and largely borderline cretinous, require soothe saying and pleasant asides in order to function in society. Thusly, uttering pleasantries such as “Gosh, you look bloody marvellous” or “Aight

Thusly, uttering pleasantries such as “Gosh, you look bloody marvellous” or “Aight babe you look dead fit” will get you places in society, especially if mutter the latter during a job interview (regardless of whether men or women are interviewing you).

Alternatively, if you want to brake the ice, go and find a frozen lake, drive your automobile of choice over it, and hit the brakes with wild abandon. Just you wait and see what happens. It’s a glorious way to brake the ice in future as you have an awesome story to regale, whether it’s to a date, colleague, or cell mate: “I plunged right through into the freezing cold water and almost died a horrible death. It were like Leonardo da Vinci in Titanic!” Indeed.