Exclusive Health Campaign: Do Nuts (brutal, pro-nut eating)

Do nuts health campaign
Nuts. Do them!

There’s nothing quite like a violently in-your-face health spree campaign, which is why we’ve launched Do Nuts to terrify you all into getting your act together. Don’t think for a second your lack of nut consumption hasn’t been noticed by us at Professional Moron – we know you’re more likely to do donuts, but the time is now and your nut allergy is no excuse!

As we’re on a bit of a Trainspotting-spree at the moment, we have Choose Life on our minds. What a mantra… bettered only by Do Nuts. What happens if you don’t do nuts? Well, it’s not known for sure, but apparently you will shrivel up like a raisin and die a sort of wheezing, rasping death. Do you want that? Of course not! So, do nuts!

Do Nuts

It doesn’t matter type of nuts you go for, so long as you do them you’ll be okay. You can do them in any way you so wish, too, such as melting them down and injecting them into yourself. Whilst we don’t condone or recommend this, it is a good alternative if you don’t like eating them (i.e. if you’re one of those bloody annoying fussy eaters).

Brazil nuts are spearheading our campaign – they’re from Brazil, they’re nuts, they’re very good for you, and if you sit there munching on them at work you’ll be sure to irritate your irritating co-works (good old misophonia). It’s a double-whammy, in other words, or awesomeness.

Don’t be put off from other nuts, of course. The campaign is called Do Nuts, not Do Brazil Nuts!! So if you have a penchant for cashew, almonds, pistachio, or acorns, hasten to your nearest supermarket, buy a bumper pack of the bloody things, and gorge until you’re overdosing on nutrients.

This is the purpose of the Do Nuts campaign, to give you the type of nutrient boost which will leave you dribbling on the floor. Happily, Kevin Bacon is backing our campaign and is our spokesperson. He has a penchant for donut flavour nuts, but ignore that particular foible – it’s Bacon after all, and he was brilliant in House of Cards.


Whilst researching our campaign, we discovered nuts are, in fact, a fruit. What? We would have gone for vegetable, we guess, or just bracketed them into the genre “nuts”. Fruit is stuff like banana which, you’ll notice, doesn’t resemble a nut of any kind. So WTF is going on!?

Don’t be perturbed by this, however, as apparently tomatoes are fruit and we’ve discussed this erroneous garbage on our site before. The simple fact is this – Do Nuts. You can do fruit as well, if you want, but then we can recommend driving several litres of orange juice in one sitting for that. The sugary high is quite the marvel to behold – like whizzing around on a chair and standing up, only to fall over and have colleagues label you as “unprofessional”. Whatever.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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