In shocking news which has rocked the ice cream industry to its icy core, ice cream sales have plummeted due to cold temperatures this winter. An annual trend expected by the industry, it has still caused mass panic amongst some new ice cream companies, such as Professional Moron’s particular brand of rIce cream.
Peak season, when ice cream piques peoples’ interest the most, is usually peeked around the summer months. Famous ice cream companies, such as Professional Moron, subsequently enjoys sales of up to £10 a day! Since winter, however, sales have dropped to 0p, which has almost nothing to do with how consumers are disgusted by the company’s foul recipes.
Ice Cream Horror!
Ice cream luminaries were contacted in an attempt to pour scolding hot water on the confusion. Vanilla Ice was expected to make a statement, as was LL Cool J, but only Tom Cruise responded with a manic statement which we can’t publish here for fear of being shut down. Thankfully, our very own esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was on hand to be sensible and erudite:
"When I was a boy I used to bathe in ice cream. This noble endeavour appears to be no more... indeed, as no more as people overconsuming ice cream in the chilly winter months. This despicable precocity is held only by the somnambulistic! Through inane ethnography and a genereal hubris for melioristic truculence, society has debased itself again by not making me well rich!"
Do note, Mr. Wapojif was on a caffeine high when he shouted that at us, but also on a pretentious high as we’re not sure what many of those big words mean. Just remember, people, never use big words when smaller ones will do. You wouldn’t call ice cream “superlative chilled product goods of considerable fabulousness”, would you? Exactly, because you’re not an oaf.
The British public has been oafish enough to ignore ice cream this winter, however, which has led to the unelected Prime Minister, Theresa May, pondering whether to call a state of martial law to determine what has happened. MPs questioned her decision but, regardless, disaster zone newspaper the Daily Mail stepped in to get all authoritative and ran an 11-page spread about the terrors of ice cream in an era of journalistic lies.
Naturally, Professional Moron supports the highest journalistic standards and would never run fake news. This is why we agree with the Daily Mail, who cited how climate change doesn’t exist and is all the insane ranting of loony lefties and this has led to the near collapse of the ice cream industry.
The great ice cream debate, we believe, shouldn’t be decided by petty name calling from stupid woopid libtard scumbags, but we do believe some rationality is in order. Thusly, we urge all British citizens to rush into the streets to panic buy ice cream (particularly the brilliant recipe rIce cream!) and gorge merrily on the sugary badness.
There may be an obesity epidemic in the UK, but we see no reason why great British traditions must die in the name of progressivism. We’ve already lost public executions and casual sexism due to the liberals – let us ensure ill health due to overeating doesn’t join this long line of appalling patriotic losses!