If you enjoyed being verbally insulted in your home, the CurTain is for you! Yes, this device has been decked out with the latest technology to ensure it hurls barbed criticisms at you as you stalk about your home – why would anyone want such a thing? We don’t know, you tell us! You’re the consumers!

The amazing thing about technology is how much easier it makes our lives. So what about technology that brings us down a peg or two? There’s room for this as well! CurTains have been specifically, rather than specially, made for homeowners who like their curtains but want more profanity and harsh putdowns in their lives. Well, guess what? Professional Moron to the rescue!

The CurTain

They function as most normal curtains do, they’re just much more curt than normal. Indeed, why not extrapolate the full benefits of curtains? Why leave them simply as dangly duvet things which stop people staring at you through windows as you lounge about in your underwear binge watching Netflix?

Not that anyone at Professional Moron does that, of course, but we’re aware many people do do (lol – do do) that and it’s about time they snapped out of it! This is where the CurTain steps in with vitriol such as: “Get up, fatty, you’re looking pretty gross for a 32 year old!”, “You are pretty repulsive!”, and the humdinger “It’s like you’re Jabba the Hut, or something”.

We didn’t say the curt putdowns were going to be any good, or anything, they’re just there to add a jolt to your daily routine and remind you you’re getting older, wider, and your eyebrows will one day drop out. Thusly, when your pent up frustrations explode in an outburst of rage, you can punch the CurTains with all your might. It’s very good for stress relief.

Other Uses

Naturally, CurTains don’t just hang there hurling glib one-liners at you – we’ve programmed them to do a heck of a lot more! We’ve added in a social commentary chip so, as you sit and watch the news, the CurTains will pick up on current affairs and provide adroit feedback on the state of the world.

It comes fitted with Left and Ring Wing feedback options so your particular ideologies will be slaked with wanton discourse. The Right Wing version even has an Intermittent Belligerence feature, at which point it will emit outbursts about libtards and how progressivism is denigrating Western ideals. Yeah, take that you loony lefty scum!

You can, of course, engage your CurTain in furious debate about such issues. The AI on the device is high (along the lines of a particularly fervent lavatory attendant) – this does mean most “debates” will devolve into petty slanging matches (“You stink!” – “No, you stink, stinky!” etc.), but then that’s a step above watching Celebrity Big Brother whilst scratching yourself.

The CurTains will be available in pink, yellow, luminous green, as black as your sordid soul, and a pleasant blue. They’ll be priced £500 ($600) and you’ll find them available in most stores, so long as they pass local government procedures for new products (this may be tough, as the curtains are 70% asbestos). Rush out there and buy!