Inspired by a crazed football hooligan he saw tearing through Manchester city centre wielding a hedge trimmer, our very own Mr. Wapojif has gone one better! If you own a hedge, plan to own one in the future, or would like to pretend you own one, a hedge trimmer is a useful implement to own. Without it, your hedge would grow wildly out of control and swarm into your nearby home, killing you in a hellish skirmish.
The one problem with these marvellous devices is the sheer bloody racket they create. So… what if one could have a more salubrious reverberation emanating from the thing? This is where the hedge trombone steps in, which is one part hedge trimmer, and the other part trombone. It’s sure to set the world on fire!
The Hedge Trombone
Hedges are typically grown by people so they can block their neighbours’ views into their property. Due to health and safety laws, a hedge is not allowed to become too unruly. As aforementioned, hedges are dangerous – hedge related deaths rose significantly in 2016, with a recorded 25,000 fatalities, 300,000 cuts and grazes, and one chipped tooth.
The hedge trimmer was invented in 1935 to combat the appalling death rate of the era (up to 3 million died each year by becoming stuck in hedges); it is now mandatory for hedge owners to trim their hedge at least three times a week. This, however, generates considerable noise pollution and, indeed, it isn’t uncommon for many neighbourhoods the world over to be overwhelmed with the sounds of revving engines.
Enter the hedge trombone! This little beauty blasts out soothing trombone lullabies as it hacks and slashes at erratic hedges. Transform your neighbourhood into a trombone haven, where the ecstatic deep bass sounds of hooting will bring a smile to your face, a tear to your eye (or eyes, if you have more than one), and a cough to your throat.
Why a cough? Well, to get this hedge trombone running we’ve had to use an extra powerful engine which uses twice as much petrol. Naturally, this is all belched out into the vicinity around you, meaning your neighbourhood will become a glorious ode to the smog-ridden days of yore! How magical, right?
What About Public Health?
We’re sorry, what was that? Since when has the public ever been healthy?! Your average person is 20 stone, sweaty, gross, and covered in acne – join the real world, you bloody social justice warrior! We haven’t got time for your inane, loony lefty, free will stifling nonsense – we’ve got a bloody fortune to make!
As you can expect, the hedge trombone is great value for money! At a mere £300 ($500), you can transform your home and the local vicinity into a pollution-stricken, in-tune club where all the coolest cats go to sing, dance, and breathe in harsh toxic chemicals.
You’ll be able to buy one in stores from April, just in time for spring when nature goes mental and starts shoving plants in your face! Go crazy – get your hedge trombone pre-ordered today and take on your hedge with a patriotic sense of glory!