Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend keeps staring at other women!”

The male gaze
As men are stupid, they are often confused by statues and will attempt to flirt with them anyway.

Men, eh? You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them – except, of course, we now can as science means women can reproduce without men blokes. However, without the aforementioned men blokes there wouldn’t be anything for women to complain about, so it’s important they hang around winding people up, like this SOB has done today.

SOB

Hey, PM. My SOB boyfriend keeps looking at other women when we’re out and about and he gets pretty pissed with me when I have a hysterical breakdown because of this. It happens all the time. We’ll be at McDonald’s, he’ll eye up this bit of totty munching on a Big Mac, and I’ll begin my caterwauling. It starts by me mumbling, which quickly builds into a high pitched shriek, and then this transcends genres into a high-pitched wail. At this point I start beating him with my fists like an outraged seal and honking like crazy. I feel embarrassed doing this but I think that cheating SOB has eyes for other women! What do I do?! Ta, Barbara

Hi, Barbara! Well, this isn’t an uncommon occurrence as we know all men are bastards and, as bastards, they are sub-human imbeciles who only have their mind on one thing. You’re quite right to beat the living daylights out of him – perhaps switch from your puny woman fists to something more destructive, such as a bottle of ketchup.

Of course, beating the shite out of your man isn’t indicative of a healthy relationship. This pervert either has to change his ways or you’ve got to dump this zero and find yourself a hero! Give him the ultimate ultimatum – tell him if he so much as looks at another women, you’ll run him through with a butcher’s knife. If he truly loves you, he’ll relent, become quite terrified, and keeps his eyes to himself.

Other Options

As the above solution means you have to carry a butcher’s knife around with you at all times (which is illegal), you may want to change his ways in a manner befitting popular social conduct (i.e. being less violent and more pragmatic in one’s approach to conflict). Whilst violence is usually the best answer, by destroying him psychologically you can also make him meet his flirtatious comeuppance.

So, whenever he looks at another woman, announce loudly “This man is a cheating SOB!” and yank his trousers down. This will be extremely embarrassing for him – he’ll turn bright red, shuffle off with his pants around his ankles, and maybe even fall over. When this happens, encourage everyone nearby to stand around him whilst pointing and laughing.

Such ritual humiliations will, naturally, leave him with severe PTSD but, of course, even if you do dump this loser you’re next man bloke will probably be just as bad. So how do women bring about the demise of a longstanding male foible?

The Male Gauze

The male gauze is notorious. So notorious the term “male gauze” was invented to describe those lecherous lunatics into a nice, succinct bracket. What the male gauze is about, right, is about trapping women in a gauze and keeping them there against their. This is illegal as it’s entrapment, but it’s also a waste of gauze, and ends awkwardly as the man has to ultimately release the woman, who typically begins battering him upon liberation.

To break the male gauze, carry a pair of pliers with you at all times in order to break free from his trap! This is, of course, unless he’s a total dreamboat and you want him to stare at you, at which point we recommend tarting up to the nines, fluttering your eyelids, and generally flaunting it like a trollop. Hey, no one ever said dating was easy, Barbara. Best of luck!

4 comments

  1. Excellent advice PM, I esp. like tarting up the nines…then catch the eye of every other man within half a block and flirt your nines off, that worked for me. 🙂

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