Breaking News: Glowing Zelda Reviews Made Up By NOOBS!

Breath of the Wild negative reviews
NOOBIE SCUM!

The video game industry was stunned by the arrival of the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild in early March. Met with sweeping international critical acclaim, with many journalists recognising it as one of the best games ever, some folks haven’t been able to hack it. As we all know, games journalists are subhuman scum and they disseminate FAKE SCORES in a biased instant!

Although some would suggest this outburst of behaviour proves gamers are some of the most obnoxious, annoying, and belligerent sorts on this planet, the braying masses took to Metacritic to make sure noobie scum is put in its place with highly pertinent 0/10 scores and crass remarks. Professional Moron condones this reprehensible behaviour fully for the following reason: noobie scum must pay!

Metacritic Backlash

Annoying gamers
The backlash!

Disgusted true gamers will not stand for international acclaim! With the vast majority of media outlets handing the game a perfect score, a small army of mature eager beavers have rushed to Metacritic to ensure a splurge of 0/10 reviews are uploaded to drag the game’s score down. Users such as the noble daskolin were keen to point out:

Would be 9out of 10 but sh*tendo funboys atacked critics so f*ck this game. So i really want to sh*tendo funboys to die of worst type of cancer that exist

He was also thoughtful enough to post reviews up for the Wii U and Switch versions of the game:

I never owned nintendo console. And i dont have switch. And i never played zelda. But if even Jim f*cking Sterling say this game is good. Then 0/10 r*trds must die from brain c*ncer. Like how much r*tarded you must be to give 0/10 not even watching youtube gameplay?

Apparently, daskolin is rather fond of the game but, after seemingly swallowing a snowball of heroin, cocaine, and gin, he entered a berserk frenzy of baffling madness which doesn’t make much sense. However, we fully support his candour and, once he grows out of puberty, we wish him a successful career as a demented freak of nature.

Learned Opinion: Mr. Wapojif

Whilst there are plenty of lovely, intelligent, super good looking, ethereal, intellectual, charming, and stylish video game fans out there (such as my narcissistic self), this is matched by the sheer number of maniacs, puerile imbeciles, disturbingly toxic cretins, odious oddballs, and belligerent buggers. Oh, and NOOBIE SCUM!!! LOL!

Yes, some gamers are willing to get quite insanely verbally abusive and silly about video games (an entertainment form which is, you know, all about fun), with the genius Breath of the Wild facing the latest backlash. The internet has long been awash with strange individuals who spend their time arguing vociferously with each other about irrelevant matters (such as whether the PS4 or Xbox One has the best graphics), but all this does is embarrass the industry.

It’s not a situation unique to gaming, of course, as wherever you head online there are angry buggers who can’t behave themselves. However, many gamers spend a lot of their time in a state of constant fury; the only time they appear to unite is if the industry as a whole is criticised in the press, at which point they agree the journalists are noobie scum who got it all wrong. After sufficient time has passed (i.e. an hour or so) they will be back at each other’s throats in the name of purifying this planet of noobie scum!!!

I have also observed many of them lamenting why video games aren’t considered as art by non-gamers. However, it’s overtly the vile behaviour of the industry’s fans (and their propensity to play ultra-violent, moronic FPSs and such over and over) which ensures video games remain criticised by many and outright vilified by others. In other words, dickhead gamers keep the industry in a cultural mire. NOOBS!

A Bile-Anced Debate!

Professional Moron contacted many of those handing Breath of the Wild 0/10 in an attempt to gain insights on their inspired state of minds. Here are a few of the responses, with selected extracts verbatim:

  • **** YOU YOU ****ING NINTENDARD PIECE OF ****!!!!!
  • NOOB! NOOB! NOOB! NOOOOOOBIE SCUUMMMM!!!!
  • ***ING ****** PIECE OF **** WHO ****S HIS ****ING **** AND **** YOU **** WHO PLAYS KIDS GAMES LOL NOOB
  • breath of the wild?! BREATH OF THE **** MORE LIKE! LOL! LOL! ROFLMAO!

Whilst it’s unclear if any of these weirdoes will ever grow up, what is known is the best way to deal with them is to be exceptionally patronising and then put them on block.

Additionally, if any of our readers see these individuals walking in the street (they’re easy to spot – they’re the ones frothing wildly at the mouth screaming “NOOB!”), cross the road and leave them to it.

On a final note, based on this behaviour the fantastic news for creatives everywhere is this – you can rest assured whatever you produce, there will always be some freak of nature who will be ready to criticise it with vitriol and bile. So just don’t worry about it, eh?

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