Exclusive Recipe: Feel Awful Falafels (for weight loss purposes)

A falafel recipe which will make you feel truly awful!
See this? This innocent looking dude will help you shed a stone in 12 hours!

Whilst most people will agree falafel is great and a fantastic product to eat if you think it’s super healthy for you when, in reality, it’s pretty bad for you, others will be more in the know and will warn you to steer clear of them if you wish to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. That was some sentence, but do you know why? As we don’t take falafel lightly!

Nor should you! Your life is on the line here and falafels are the cause of approximately 300,000 individuals dying hideously every single year. Why? Well, some people simply gorge to death on them thinking they do no harm! Thusly, we’re here to redress the balance. With Feel Awful Falafels you won’t be able to get even one of the buggers down you, as with our patented recipe you’ll be spewing before you know it!

Feel Awful Falafels

The trip is in the pudding, or something, but what truly matters is how to balance out volatile chemicals so they don’t kill an individual, but will instead leave them barfing and, thusly, enjoying some quality weight loss. We believe we’ve perfected this formula with our Feel Awful Falafels (FAF).

It’s really quite simple (we don’t hide our secret recipe from anyone)! Merge chemical grade bleach with rat droppings and a slice of pineapple and ham pizza; stuff this combo into your falafel! One lick of this SOB and your eyelids will peel back behind your eyeballs, your lips will pucker, and your stomach will become emptier than a far right winger’s skull!

“Pineapple and ham pizza?! But that’s nice!” – Get off this blog. Get off it now, you crazed heathen! We don’t stand for that; the abomination known as pineapple and ham pizza should warrant a 10 year prison sentence and a public flogging with a rusty chain whip. It may seem barbaric, but then so is taking a selfie whilst doing that pouty lip thing. Soooo last year, darling.

The reason the pizza is included on the Feel Awful Falafel is to ensure you feel awful. The rat droppings, bleach and all that will put you in serious harm’s way, but if you want to hit the beach this summer looking like Chris Hemsworth multiplied by Ryan Gosling, the only way to do it is to hit the bleach!

Hot Dayum!

Indeed! Obviously, a Chris Hemsworth/Ryan Gosling hybrid would be an odd thing to behold. Kind of like seeing Sandra Bullock merge with the Hulk – a powerhouse of good looks and extreme, psychotic, sweaty violence. In other words, how Mr. Wapojif looks after he’s climbed a staircase.

Naturally, when you’re on the beach, you’ll want to have a snack. Thusly, the Feel Awful Falafel is the ideal place to turn to in order to fend off urges to indulge in ice cream. You’ll never look more attractive to prospective men or women than when you’re staggering into the surf projectile vomiting. It’s a tale you can regale to your many children in later years!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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