Fish and chips is one of the staples of British existence. It is know that if an Englishman doesn’t have at least three fish and chip suppers annually, he will develop a scurvy-like illness and die hideously. Similarly, an Englishwoman must eat at least one fish and chips supper annually, or she too will develop a gout-like illness and be plunged into a hideous depression as she can no longer go shopping.
Many British people, to avoid such a heinous fate, thusly over indulge in fish and chips. It is believed the chips help to keep Brits warm, what with the country being notoriously cold and rainy. However, over indulge in this delicacy also leads to chronic obesity issues, with 97% of British people no too overweight to lift a bag of potatoes. Thusly, we have invented figs & chips to alleviate this growing
Fig & Chips
Why figs? Well, figs are famous for not giving a fig, making them one of the more obstinate forms of foodstuff. However, despite this indifference they don’t get a say in our recipe – we’ve including them in it and the result will be truly glorious.
To make this recipe, one simply needs to empty three litres of olive oil into a large pan, place this on maximum heat on your hob, and wait until it starts bubbling and spitting like crazy. Be aware, if you accidentally spill any of this searingly hot oil on you (or, for instance, accidentally submerge your skull into the vat of bubbling liquid), extreme agony will follow. To be extra safe, wear a full hazmat suit throughout the entire cooking ordeal.
Next, submerge the potatoes (chop them up first, stupid) and whole figs into the frothing madness. The pan will go bananas and oil will start flying everywhere – do not fear. This merely suggests your food is cooking wit gusto. Indeed, leave the figs and chips in there for a good 30 minutes, then tip then strain them out into a sieve. The oil, once cooled, can then be consumed as a beverage alongside your tasty dinner.
What do you mean that’s “disgusting”? You’ve never consumed warm olive oil by the pint before?! What are you, some sort of Southern pansy?!? Next you’ll be telling us you don’t know what ketchup is! LOL! Imagine that! Regardless, thinking of which…
Sauces & Condiments
Of course, we all know, fish and chips is inedible unless there’s some sort of sauce or condiment there to make it edible. You know the stuff: gravy, ketchup, salt, vinegar, and mushy peas. These all simply make people even fatter, of course, so we’ve proposed a few new condiments to rock the British foodstuff landscape!
Principal amongst these is figs & chips with marmite. That extra salty, yeast-based kick is enough to thump hair onto anyone’s eyebrows. Instead of vinegar, a healthy dose of wasabi will add an Eastern tinge to the recipe and bring those figs to life! Additional condiments for use can include: sugar, spinach, red wine, champagne, and custard. Indeed, figs and chips with custard is a particularly delightful recipe, with the extra option of whipped cream being added on top!
Naturally, this does little to challenge the obesity epidemic we highlighted earlier, but who gives a damn? You’ve got to live a little. As George Armstrong Custard said during them wars ages ago, if you can’t enjoy a meal before slaughtering people, then what’s the point in living? A sentiment we share heartily!