Exclusive Invention: Broadbland (making the internet dull again!)

Broadbland
You know you want to!

One of the wonders of the modern world is the world wide web which, like, does this internet thing. You’re using it right now and we wouldn’t exist in this digital space without it. Pretty terrifying, right? However, we’re beginning to think this newfangled online era is a bit too interesting. We preferred the boring, distant days of just sitting about the place staring at walls, picking our nose, and making statements such as: “Jesus H Christ, I’m bored!”.

You know, back when you had to leave your home if you wanted to discuss things with people, hurl abuse at them, or get involved in fisticuffs. These days it’s entirely possible to do this all from the comfort of your nearest laptop, smartphone, or whatever. Too interesting! This is where broadbland steps in, which ramps up the bland factor and will return you to the “good old days” of stultification.

Broadbland

Ah, the good old days! It was so much better back when women couldn’t vote, racism and homophobia were socially acceptable, and the internet didn’t exist to corrupt our brains. Broadbland harkens back to all of that, so it’s a really great product for any right wingers out there reading this. You’ll be sure to enjoy this a treat!

We jest, this product is for everyone! All you need to do is connect your broadbland (£500 – $600) into nothing and enjoy the consequences. What is it? Well, it’s a cardboard box with a copy of Razzle in it (that’s an adult magazine from the early ‘80s, if you’re wondering). You only get the one copy and the box is a bit tattered, so before long you’ll find it all rather bland and irritating.

Don’t let modern excesses step back in, however! For an extra £50 we’ll demolish all of the entertainment products in your household with a baseball bat. Yes, we’ll happily destroy all of your gadgets to ensure you have a bland time of it all.

Consequently, within a month you’ll be turning to heavy drinking in a feeble attempt to brighten your lives and escape the tedious clutches of broadbland. You’ll curse the day you listened to us but, of course, as you’re no longer online, you won’t be able to lodge a complaint to us! It’s the beauty of modern consumerism done right.

The Customer is Always Right Wing

The trick to running a successful business is to reaching your market. As Donald Trump once Tweeted during the Oscars, “what happened to the good old days” and, by Jove, the man is right! The good old days, when casual escapism wasn’t around and squalid boredom was rife, were just so much more entertaining. Thusly, this product will be a big hit with one section of the political spectrum.

For progressivists… well, libtards can occupy themselves with “films”, “books”, and “feminism” and everything else which is destroying Western civilisation as we know. But not when you purchase broadbland, which will ruin your life, leave you an empty shell of a human being, and turn you into a raging philistine. Enjoy!

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