Millions of concerned citizens have been lining the streets of the UK awaiting the arrival of spring, which still hasn’t sprung as of late March 2017. When pressed about why this issue persists, unelected Prime Minister Theresa May (allegedly) blamed the delay on Brexit negotiations, God, and chimneys. She said: “When God is ready, spring will be upon us in the way chimneys are persistent in their nature.” Praise the Lord!

Loony lefties, however, weren’t happy with this appraisal and suggested the weather isn’t controlled by an omnipotent deity, instead indicating the UK is always like this (i.e. cold and rainy) apart from about, like, a 50 day period typically nestled in the July and August months, before we all descend into another six month deluge.

Sprang

Standing in an orderly queue in the pelting, miserable rain, the Brits stoically began singing hymns and discussing the Queen as they awaited the arrival of spring. Such patriotic glory is hard to find in any other nation – we British truly are a sight to behold!

Pallid, damp, and confused, the assortment of drunk and angry far right hoodlums and OAPs harked on about the “good old days” when spring, apparently, did sprung. Tremendous! Eventually, in London, the situation came to a head when a scumbag MP emerged to calm the braying masses.

The UK’s environmental minister, Andrea Leadsom, was having none of it, however. It is alleged she stood before the gathered crowd in central London dressed in a smart suit and began to address her subordinates with arms outstretched:

“Citizens! Standing around in the pissing rain isn’t the way to bring about spring. It is simply a case of waiting. You will have to wait a few more months and then it will be sunny – sort of. Steel your reserve, fellow Brits, and see this through, as we saw through the Great Fire of London several hundred thousand years ago on the planet of Jupiter. KA KAWWWW!!!! Brippity, brippity... brap brap!"

This quote was supplied, verbatim, by Jeff from Manchester who was, possibly, slightly the worse for wear when he jotted this down. Regardless, he’s our only source and, thusly, he must surely be 100% accurate. We thank him for his sterling efforts to bring this most pressing situation to a head, whilst criticising Leadsom for debasing herself with such a puerile use of language.

Spring Shelters

As with bomb shelters during WWII, spring shelters have been introduced in case panicking citizens enter a frenzy. These bunkers, which can be built in your back garden if you have a shovel and, indeed, a garden, double up for two purposes: protecting everyone from the relentless rain, or housing anyone who has gone mental.

If you do not own a garden then it is your fault and you will have to face the consequences. If you feel a frenzy beginning, dial the emergency services, set fire to your home, and sprint for higher ground (Ben Nevis is a good spot). A helicopter will arrive shortly thereafter to transport you to Buckingham Palace, where the Queen will knight you for services to this country (this information was supplied by our source Jeff).