Agony Aunt: “HELP! How Do I Make Myself Look Like Brad Pitt?!”

How do I look like Brad Pitt?
This is a, weirdly, wax model of Mr. Pitt. Gross.

Hollwood movie stars are famous for being better looking than everyone else. Indeed, walk down the road in your city or town and all you’ll see is a selection of disgusting reprobates with all the collective grace of a drunken football riot. Consequently, many people turn to celebrities as a vision of perfection and believe, nay, demand to transform themselves into an otherworldly vision of beauty. How does one go about it, then?

The Pitts

Dear Agony Aunt. I grew up with the belief that men are special and women are also special but in a way that they can cook pies and stuff. Now in modern life it, like, turns out women have as much say in stuff as, like, men did back in, like, the '20s or whatever. This means you can't look like a fat builder's hairy arse and still bag a babe no more. You got to be dead fit. Ripped. 50 hours a week in the gym pumping iron until that vein on your forehead looks like a levee which is about to break like that Memphis Minnie song. I gotta say... this is ****ing unfair. Why can't I just look like Brad Pitt from day one?! I gotta work my ass off in the gym and all he has to do is stand around breathing and shit and all the babes is throwing themselves at him. Proper WTF! I type this as I lay here with my ass burning from all the squatting I've been doing on leg day, and me biceps are bulging so much I'm worried I might lose an eyeball cos of all the straining I do. How do I complete the package by getting the handsomest mug ever? I need to be Pitted (lol)! Cheers - Bob

Hi, Bob. For a start, it’s important you simply embrace yourself for who you are and not concern yourself with other peoples’ looks. Other than weight control, one can’t really have any say in how one appears and, consequently, those who are better looking have simply lucked into this, in many respects. So it’s trivial and time wasting to bemoan your lot.

However, if you’d still like to look like Brad Pitt (and who bloody well wouldn’t?! Total babe magnet, am I right?!) then unseemly amounts of plastic surgery is a brilliant, highly expensive, and extremely painful way to go about ensuring you have totty throwing themselves at you. Seriously, you’ll need to batter them off with VHS copies of Legends of the Fall.

Pliable Plastic Surgery

If you’ve seen the film Face/Off you’ll know it’s possible to transport one face to another and resemble another person entirely. Whilst it would be a bit weird having all the men in the world wandering about looking like Brad Pitt, it’s now possible thanks to pioneering techniques such as Professional Moron’s patented Be Like Pitt operation.

Simply turn up at our office and we’ll, for £500, use a welding iron, sheets of metal, some scissors, and a hammer to rearrange your skull and jawline until you resemble the Hollywood hunk. You’ll leave our medical theatre with blood pouring from numerous open wounds and in considerable agony, but after a week of rest to recover you can head out into the world and expect adulation.

If you’d prefer to go with a more reputable plastic surgery company, then do a Google search. Whatever. We’re cheap and cheerful and the results are pretty good. Here’s one our of best customer reviews: “Professional Moron destroyed my life!!! I look like I’m constantly gurning, can’t chew food, and everyone I meet screams in utter horror upon sight of me. I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!”. Drop us an email to find out more and fulfill your dream!

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