Breaking News: Beds to be Replaced with Meds in Economy Push

Beds to be replaced with meds
Get ready to pill up.

British people are sleeping too much, according to latest government figures, with the average British adult enjoying approximately 3 hours of stress interrupted snoozing a night. Concerned MPs believe this is why the English economy is flagging despite severe austerity measures imposed by the Conservatives following the 2008 recession.

Now it’s believed the Meds Instead of Beds Bill 2017 will ensure beleaguered Brits will be able to endure 23 hour shifts, followed by a 30 minute kip, copulation rights, and/or general escapism. Thanks to a mixture of cocaine, Red Bull extract, genetically modified sugar, and a dash of turmeric, the pills (dubbed “Snappy Pills”) will keep workers on the go so they can fully deserve their dismal minimum wage packages.

Beds Instead of Meds Bill 2017

The pills will be handed out each month by the NHS and anyone who refuses to take them will be shot with a gun (a really dangerous one). Only the unemployable (chavs, far right activists, those with scurvy etc.) will be allowed to pass on the drug, but they will be placed on a strict heroin regimen to ensure they remain unemployable.

When it comes to bedtime, normal citizens will be able to jam themselves between a partially closed door and catch 30 winks. Upon awakening, consuming another Snappy Pill will have the person enthusing about their employment and dashing into work with unprecedented enthusiasm. It is believed one pill is enough to force any grown adult into a 22 hour bender.

The long-term health effects of the pills are unknown, but are believed to range between premature death, premature balding, premature birth, premature ejaculation, and general prematurity (a condition where the individual is perpetually expedient). However, it is expected the British economy will flourish thanks to its drug addled workforce, with an extra £300 billion raked in as citizens benefit from the salubrious new routine.

The pills will be manufactured in Germany and shipped to England by plane whereupon they will be disseminated, it is believed (should the bill reach fruition), as early as August 2017. It is also expected the drugs will ease concerned Brits through the Brexit and general election process due to being in a relentless stupor.

Disused Beds

In the likely event the bill will pass, all beds will need to be eradicated from the face of the Earth. It is believed a nationwide purge will commence in the fall of 2017, with giant bonfires constructed in the street. Locals will be able to bring their beds to these fires, pour petrol over them, and set them ablaze – individuals are encouraged to post images on their social media accounts to get into the collective spirit of it all.

It is believed a “bed” will be classified as “any lying down implement”, so this will include the likes of a hammock, sleeping bag, tent, or sofa bed. There will be no exceptions to the rule (unless an individual is unemployed) and anyone who refuses to destroy their bed will be shot with a really dangerous gun. More news to follow.

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