The brilliant thing about the humble potato is just how humble it is. No great plays, novels, symphonies, or scientific discoveries have been named after the potato – it wasn’t Beethoven’s Symphony No. Potato, A Midsummer Night’s Potato, or the Potato Particle. No, everything important that’s ever happened has never been named after a potato. It’s a crying shame.
Hollywood has been just as bigoted in its approach to naming films. After the disastrous British comedy Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004 – a real film, Google it!) few others have plumped for potato based names – not even the perfectly suitable Alien: Potato (actually named Alien: Covenant in one of the greatest cop outs in cinema history). Thusly, we’re here to redress the balance by proving Hollywood should get a chip off its shoulder by mashing up its approach to movie making.
The Potato Redemption
Classic prison drama where convicts sit about eating potato chips getting morbidly obese whilst reflecting on life (and potatoes).
The Dark Potato
Gruff-voiced Batman brings order to Gotham with his mighty new weapon: a potato gun.
Genetically modified potato monsters rampage across a theme park whilst Jeff Goldblum guffaws and eats potato chips.
12 Years a Potato
A harrowing tale of one potato’s 12 year journey as a potato.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Potato
A potato dating a sweet potato has its memory erased so it can pursue a relationship with a reasonably priced bag of kale chips.
Ace Ventura: Potato Detective
Jim Carrey stars as the eponymous potato detective, violently terminating those who commit crimes against potatoes.
Remains of the Potato
Romantic drama starring Anthony Hopkins as a butler obsessed with mashing leftover potatoes at the end of each day.
Terminator 2: Potato Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger returns as the potato gun wielding robot monstrosity determined to save the Earth (and potatoes).
Star Wars: The Potato Awakens
Potatoes come to the fore in an intergalactic pitched battle between good and evil, with French fries on the side.
Potatoes (Aliens – plural, you see)
Slobbering potato monsters have taken over the planet and now Ripley must get her potato peeler and take on the lot of them (with hot bag of meat Hicks for company).
Full Potato Jacket
Refried (i.e. retired) Vietnam veterans sit about peeling potatoes to keep themselves from getting bored whilst wearing comfy jackets.
Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Potato
Cost-effective adaptation of Tolkien’s classic using potatoes as stand-ins for all of the classic characters, including Gollum (replaced with a bag of cheese and onion crisps).
The Silence of the Potato
Jodie Foster waxes lyrical with Anthony Hopkins in this feature-length documentary about how they managed to make Silence of the Lambs minus the use of potatoes (a bold and unique filmmaking practice at the time).
Raiders of the Lost Potato
Harrison Ford gets his Indiana Jones kit on once again to head off in search of all the world’s lost potoatoes (several billion of them). Well… someone’s gotta.
Back to the Potato
This sci-fi classic sees Marty and Doc hurtling through time to discover potato-based dishes from history, so they can return to the non-past and be big hits at local dinner parties.
The Russian navy trial runs a submarine made out of potatoes, with disastrous results.
Good Potato Hunting
Maths genius Matt Damon ditches society in favour of murdering potatoes in cold blood on farms across America. How’d you like them apples?
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Potatoes
Crime drama where taking a life of cooking potatoes never pays nothing. Leave it out!
Gone with the Potato
Classic, sweeping epic drama with actors from the ’40s, some of whom whimsically stare into the distance and wonder where all the potatoes have gone.
The Potato of Joan of Arc
Documentary revealing the potato farming habits of Joan of Arc, a very passionate lady who liked her spuds.