Agony Aunt: “I’m a man and I want to be the first woman on Mars”

The first woman on Mars
An accurate portrayal of the distance between Earth and Mars.

You can go to Mars if you want to – NASA is making sure of it! A thorny, currently undisclosed issue will be which gender gets to step foot on the red planet first. Should it be a man? Or, perchance, should it be a female? You can bet your arse, whoever it is, they won’t say “That’s one small step for man”! Call us dribbling libtards if you must, but we think something such as “We made it, yo!” would be much better. Followed by everyone busting out some gangsta shapes. Sadly, today’s man doesn’t agree.

Mars

Hey dudes!! I want to be the first woman on Mars. I'm a man, though, so I know this kind of makes things difficult, but I don't think women should have a representative on Mars because I think all women belong in the kitchen. It worked well like that for, like, hundreds of years but now it's been ruined because women want to be stuff like bus drivers. WTF is up with that?! Anyway, I'm thinking of getting a sex change operation so I can technically be the first woman on Mars. I'll also be starting an initiative which blocks all women from leaving the planet Earth to ensure their husbands are properly fed at all times. What do you reckon? Cheers - Bill

Hi there, Bill. Well, you clearly have a strong understanding of what you want from life. This is nice to see. Unfortunately, your plan is likely to come up against some opposition, largely from women and probably NASA as well. To carry out your plan, you’ll have to have a covert sex change operation and then pass NASA’s rigorous testing schedule to convince them you are, indeed, a lady.

Black market sex change operations are, typically, carried out in dingy side streets by a sweaty, hairy fat man. Things can often go wrong and you could end up changing species entirely – we know of a man who came out as a mongoose. Another was transformed into a giraffe, so there’s no guarantee you can achieve your goals in this way.

Giraffes on Mars

Before you wonder if you can be the first giraffe on Mars, please be aware animals will not be indulging in space travel in the foreseeable future. Thusly, you will need to stick to your plan of keeping women on planet Earth. We have a suggestion for how you can achieve this – get all the men on Earth to have a sex change operation, then get all the women to have a sex change operation, and then everything should just balance itself out naturally.

As the old saying goes, men are from Venus, women are from Mars, so with this straightforward solution, we should have both inverted genders visiting their home planets and sorting out their roles in society. Upon returning to planet Earth, this should sort out longstanding sexist power structures, such as the belief women only belong in the kitchen. This is inaccurate. Except if the woman is a chef. Then it is accurate.

Female Chefs

Due to the potential confusion highlighted in this paragraph’s predecessor, we believe it’s important women chefs attempt to distance themselves from kitchens as much as possible. Thusly, if they levitate permanently they can be distant from their cooking implements, whilst also being able to cook.

We can propose NASA sends all female chefs into space so they can complete this undertaking. All ordered food can then be ferried back down to Earth by a series of delivery spaceships driven by robots. We appreciate this may not be answering some of your questions, Bill, but we’ve been swept away by our romantic sci-fi vision of the future of food delivery. It’s going to be cosmic!

2 comments

  1. I believe in you. Any man has the right to live their dreams and become a woman – though, once you’re a woman your rights, will still be there, but perhaps slightly dimimished and less respected by manly repressed old dudes? Actually now I’m confused if you can live your dreams. Maybe just lie down.

    • The best thing any gender can do is simply lie down – preferably on their home planet. Or just lie about their gender. Or do both. If you’re a man, just announce: “I’m a woman so I’m going for a rest”. Problem solved.

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