Pain au chocolat may be one of the most celebrated foodstuffs the world over, but we think it’s time to up the ante and ensure the sadomasochistic people who eat the product enjoy themselves a tad more. Not that pain au chocolat is exclusively for perverts and weirdoes, it’s just the name clearly excludes anyone who isn’t demented.
This is why we’ve come up with the pain et agony au chocolat, which heaps out the pain in double the measure! Oh, wait… what’s that? You’re “scared”?! LOL! Stop your pathetic mewling, wuss, and prepare yourself for chocolate and bread type stuff heaven, for this is snack time which deals out the misery. Oh yeah!
Pain et Agony au Chocolat
To be fair, your standard pain au chocolat isn’t overly painful. Arguably, the experience of eating one is the exact opposite – it’s rather enjoyable. You don’t see people writhing in the streets in agony after chowing down on one of the sweet rolls. No, they usually have a look of satisfaction and grace on their faces.
This is because, we’ve successfully concluded, they aren’t in enough pain. So, we’ve upped the ante, as aforementioned, to introduce the latest ingredient: agony. Thusly, food fans will find a stapler ensconced within the pastry, thusly ensuring the owner of the pain et agony au chocolat will take a bite and accidentally staple their tongue to their lip, or something.
Other possibilities include stapling their tongue to the roof of their mouth, the side of the mouth, to their gums, or to their teeth. Whatever happens, we’re pretty sure there’s a high probability it will induce agony.
What could be more jolly? Bring in a batch of pain et agony au chocolat to the office one fine sunny morning. Relish in the ecstatic faces, pats on the back, comments such as “Gee, how lovely Rupert, I shall invite you out for a hot date some time after all!”, and general delight. Then sit back, proud, as your colleagues, one by one, begin rolling around on the floor screaming bloody murder. Employee of the month? Employee of the yeast more like!!!
So you’ve tried out one of our puddings and now you want to sue? Congratulations – it is every consumer’s right to launch a complaint and Professional Moron takes its complaints procedure with the utmost sincerity, dedication, interest, and overall disdain for reality. All you need to do to file a complaint, is to file a complaint. We’ll be with you in due course.
Whilst we do our best to respond to our customers within 24 hours, please be aware we’re often in court, or jail, so may be unable to respond to your case between periods of time varying from days, to weeks, or occasionally years. Bear with us during such “technical problems” – whilst you do, please leave us a glowing review somewhere online. If you do, we’ll provide you with FREE punch in the face!