The genius minds at NASA have announced plans to send a space probe to the Sun, causing widespread media coverage of the momentous occasion. However, UK tabloid newspaper The Sun has responded angrily to the proposed project, accusing NASA of being “nosy” and announcing it will not be opening its doors for “space nerds, unless some of them are smoking hot women”.
The Sun, which is famous for its tawdry, barely human journalistic abilities and daily half-naked woman on Page 3, plans to sue NASA for damages, insisting the independent agency of the federal USA government has “violated its privacy” in the “name of all that is gloriously patriotic and British, such as smoking hot, half-naked women”. The President of the United States, Donald Trump, agreed with some of these sentiments, issuing a Tweet which read: “NASA should employ more hot women”. He later removed the Tweet without apologising.
Should the plan to visit The Sun go ahead, it’s believed NASA’s astronauts and assortment of physicists, receptionists, and rocket scientists will visit the tabloid’s headquarters in fall of 2018. Whilst there, they will engage in idle chit-chat (i.e small talk) whilst sipping Yorkshire tea and nibbling on scones. There may also be the odd Pot Noodle on request, as well as a request for litres of Lambrini to break the ice a bit.
It is believed The Sun will entirely reject this proposal, however, as its fears over an alien invasion continue unabated. With Britain braced for Brexit and the impending general election, The Sun, which stylises itself as the voice of the nation, wants to ensure half-naked women remain on Page 3 in the name of all that is good and pure. One hack from within commented: “If aliens invade, it could be the end of the Page 3 Girl”.
The Sun is set today to release an official statement on its website. In the 100,000 word document, it lays bare the terrible deeds of NASA (faking the Moon landing etc.) and why it won’t open its doors. A leaked copy has made its way to us. You can read it here now, verbatim:
"This is diabolical and it shall not stand. The Sun has always stood in the name of decency and high-quality journalism, such as having a half-naked woman on Page 3 every day. It's with high moral standards such as this that we've been able to fend off alien invaders for aeons. NASA's plans would destroy this, ensuring we'd all be bowing to our alien overlords faster than you can say 'The Sun is the best newspaper in the UK'."
NASA has yet to respond to these accusations, but it is believed it will provide a press release indicating the Sun it intends to visit is the sphere of hot plasma at the centre of the Solar System, with little similarities to the tabloid newspaper based in London. Our source at NASA said: “We’re not really sure who these people are, but it is obvious they are extremely unintelligent. Moronic, even” – Professional Moron concurs heartily.
The Sun vs the Sun
It is believed The Sun now intends to sue the Sun for breach of copyright, along with various other litigating issues. One is believed to have been caused by The Sun’s anger at the Sun’s inability to agree on arbitration terms (an out of court settlement) as it is unable to attend meetings due to “obstinately” being 150 million miles away. We contacted the Sun (by yelling at it from an open window), but it didn’t respond.
The case is set to continue, although The Sun’s staff will be taking the summer holiday off to relax along the coastline of the Cote d’Azur, basking in the Sun’s rays as a form of compensation and, of course, retribution.