The human face is one of the most important parts of the human skull. It’s the bit which contains elements such as the nose, nostrils, eyeballs, eyebrows, mouth, teeth, and all that jazz. It’s pretty important, then. Without your face, you’d merely be a skull walking around not doing much. It’d look gross.

Of course, some human faces are more equal than others. Take, for instance, politicians; an ugly, conniving bunch of vagabonds who have this thing called “power”, but not in the sense they could be used to drive really quickly. It just means they can use public taxes to fund a duck house project for one’s back garden, as what happened here in England back in the summer of ’09. Anyway… somewhere out of all this guff came the saying: more than just a petty face. Oh yeah? We’ll see about that!

More Than Just a Petty Face

What makes someone petty, then? Here are a few signs and symptoms: a vindictive nature, laughing at other peoples’ failures, gloating at other peoples’ failures, being condescending, being narrowminded, considering other people to be beneath you, and ordering a sandwich but then sending it back as it has margarine instead of butter.

In other words, if you’re a bit of a superfluous fusspot then you are petty. There are worse foibles in this world, of course, such as being an axe wielding maniac, but pettiness leads to some unusual personality ticks, such as taking the stance of “lol fail” for every single comment you leave online.

All of this has bred a saying. The saying is “much more than a petty face”. What does someone who is petty look like, then? Does pettiness leave its mark on a person’s visage? Are there furrows in their brow? Bulging stress veins in the forehead? A, sort of, general grimace in their expression?

Professional Moron took to the streets of Manchester this morning to ask citizens as they went about their daily activities. We asked one question to determine was is going on: “Excuse me – are you a petty son of a bitch?” – this, for some abstract reason, met with a surprisingly large amount of hostility. Indeed, it’s made us think your average British citizens is a bit moody.

Perfectly Petty

If you can’t look at a plate of beans on toast without going, “I wish the toast didn’t have crust on it” and you pull a funny, disdainful face at the aforementioned toast, then this saying applies to you. Why? As you are more than just a petty face – behind your pettiness lies the beating heart of a human being, a person who isn’t driven along by your pettiness.

Thusly, Professional Moron has set up a Petty Face charity foundation which will help petty people overcome their foibles and rejoin society as mere faces. Pay us £500 and, over three one hour workshops, you’ll have the petty thrashed out of your being through a series of relentlessly pedantic lessons about why crusts should be left on bread. This will drive any morally decent individual insane, and you will go on to lead your life petty face free. Huzzah!