Exclusive Recipe: Marshland Marshmallows & Sardine Ice Cream

Marshland Marshmallows recipe
Grown on organic marshland!

Today, we’re merging one of our classic old recipes into a brand new one. Sardine ice cream created waves in the dessert industry (even the desert one, as it cools you down when you’re out there on the dunes), which we intend to do again with our ethically sourced marshmallows. These bad boys really do live up their wetland origins!

Marshmallows used to be grown out on marshes but, with the advent of industrialisation, they’re now grown in bogus settings such as factories. Here, the marshmallows don’t become imbued with the muddy, boggy marshes and, consequently, lose a lot of the nutrients they once contained. We’ve corrected this. Yes, Professional Moron recently purchased 20 hectares of bog land to organically grow marshmallows in their natural environment. Hip hip, hooray!

Marshland Marshmallows

To keep chavs and weirdoes out, we’ve erected a 20ft electric perimeter fence around our marshland. Anyone who so much as grazes the fence will have 50,000 volts blasted through them, catapulting them up to 10 metres in the opposite direction. We take marshmallows very seriously and it’s you, the consumer, who will benefit from our rampant disregard for human safety.

It is Mr. Wapojif himself who personally grooms the marshmallows. The product is grown on the fertile land and, thrice daily, Mr. Wapojif takes his helicopter (which is stolen) and drops buckets of water onto the marshland to keep it extra, you know, marshy. During the night, he walks amongst the marshland reading romantic poetry to assist the marshmallows with their development.

After a month, each marshmallow is delicately plucked from the quietly bubbling marshland and shipped to our factory in Bolton, Greater Manchester. To ensure the product is delectable, the marshmallows are displayed before adorable kittens, who are encouraged to romp amongst the marshmallows to determine their purity. If a kitten so much as looks a bit concerned at a marshmallow, the offending product is taken to our extermination centre and is incinerated.

After the marshmallows have been examined by the kittens, they (the marshmallows) are taken to the contamination unit and are marinaded in industry grade bleach for 24 hours. We take food hygiene seriously and are aware the kittens may spread germs over the product – with that harsh chemical bleach in action, you have nothing to fear!

Mellowed Health Benefits

When served with the aforementioned sardine ice cream, marshland marshmallows make for one of the healthiest desserts known to humanity. Chemical bleach aside (rest assured – we run them under a tap to remove bleach residue), the marshmallows provide pure sugar, which will give you an energy kick when you’re most in need of it. They’ll also help you gain a load of weight really quickly – perfect if you’re emaciated!

The sardine ice cream provides additional sugar, as well as omega 3 fatty acids which will help your heart fend off the absurd assault of refined sugars. Finally, when merged with the marshmallows, you’ll find this is a delicious, nutritious, and Michelin starred dessert which will astonish dinner guests, delight children, and put Professional Moron on the map as the world’s leading marshmallow producer. Hell yeah.


  1. I do trust the kittens to rout out the bad marshmallows!
    I got a bit misty eyed when I read about Mr. Wapojif reading romantic poetry to the growing marshmallows. Lovely touch!

    Liked by 1 person

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