How to Name Your Baby: Top Tips For New Parents

How to Name Your Baby Guide
Everyone, meet Bruce, Cement Mixer #2, and The Shed Door Is Broken.

A lot of people we know are having babies at the moment.

Mr. Wapojif, our esteemed editor, doesn’t want babies. He wants rabies. But then he is an unusual man. As we’re at the early 30s age where it’s commonplace and all that.

Thusly, we’ve listened to folks rant about what to name their sprog and become rather bored by the dithering.

“Sprog” isn’t acceptable, apparently, so we got to thinking about names for babies which would be really, really, really awesome. You know?

We’re good for something in life and, today, Professional Moron discovered naming babies is the career path which will make us billionaires. Let’s get to it!

Name Your Baby

Naming your baby is like naming your pets, or picking a new password.

It has to be memorable, definitive, bold, daring, slightly crazed, and enough to deter anyone else from using it, whilst also being socially acceptable, but in the sense it promotes twinges of jealously from those too stupid or unimaginative to think of it first.

Anyway, take your pick from the lot below for your baby – for use of one of these names it’s £100 ($150), so just send us a cheque.

Boy’s Names

  1. Bob: Trendy, to the point, easy to remember, fun, and if you reverse the name it’s exactly the same. Bob is a safe choice for safe people.
  2. Git: Technically profanity, but then it’s not an overly offensive one, so why not? Git is good.
  3. Hairy Git: As above, but with social commentary – men are hairy. This will teach your little man an important life lesson.
  4. Hairy Gittish Bastard: This depends on how bitter you are about your experiences with men, but it’s suitable if you want your dude to grow up into a player (i.e. bad boy).
  5. Rupert: It’s just a fantabulous name, non?
  6. Malodorous Runt: You use this one for comedic effect, mainly. Can you imagine the look your friends and family give you when they ask you what you’ve named your precious newborn: “Malodorous Runt”. Priceless. It’d totally destroy your kid’s life but, you know, there’s no price on comedy.
  7. Biff: If you call him Biff Biffington we’ll pay you – no need for the cheque.
  8. Poohead Features: Yep. We can’t see anything wrong with this one.
  9. Stinky Boy Stench: Childish, perhaps, but it will encourage his peers to mock him at primary school etc., thusly removing this stage of his life early and providing him with a clear advantage. Either that or he’ll end up with PTSD by the time he’s 10.
  10. George Clooney: Already taken, we suppose, but George Clooney is en vogue and so should your child be. Get the kid to hang around an ER and, before you know it, he’ll be handsome, rich, and famous. Score!

Girl’s Names

  1. Refrigeration Unit: Well, Frank Zappa called his daughter Moon Unit, so why not?
  2. Adolf: Has it been long enough yet? When will this name ever be socially acceptable? Is it even a woman’s name?
  3. Gertrude: A pretty name for a pretty lady is most befitting, but a less than flattering name for a pretty lady is character building. This will teach ladies there’s more to life than fluttering one’s eyelids.
  4. Marks and Spencers: The popular, upper class supermarket chain really doesn’t get enough people naming their babies after it. Now is the time!
  5. Burp: What is more ladylike than embracing one’s unladylike characteristics? Burp is a magnificent name for a magnificent, in your face, attitude driven young woman who wants to make a living posting selfies on Instagram.
  6. Communism: What better way to force your ideologies onto your child than name it with a few of your preferences?
  7. Far Right Lunatic: Such as far right lunatic! This will ensure the baby fits neatly into your clique and is able to kick start hatred and violence before they’ve even stopped using a potty!
  8. Ankles: No one likes ankles but, hey, why not make your child a force for change? Little Ankles will rapidly spread the ankle cause before you can say: “Yeah, but ankles really aren’t that important… or oppressed.”
  9. Tom Hanks: A beautiful name for any baby girl, we’re sure you’ll all agree.
  10. Hedge Trimmer: Why aren’t there any women called this?! It seems like a severe waste of the word and product. Plus, lots of men would line up with hedge trimmers for birthday presents, which the daughter could pass to her father to keep him busy in retirement. It’s perfect!


    • A wise choice, in my opinion. However, if I were to have two baby girls I’d called them Tom Hanks and Tom Hanks #2. I’d, perhaps, Tweet Tom Hanks prior to this arrangement to ensure he’s okay with it.


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