Invention: The Handwash Toilet (for cleanliness & convenience)

The Handwash Toilet
An early model of the toilet handwash.

The thing about toilets is, once you’ve used them, you have to wash your hands. This is an obscene waste of one’s time. The thing is, though, if you don’t wash your hands, you then end up with all manner of strange illnesses. These range from gout to scurvy and scabies, although it’s well known there are additional problems such as profuse swearing (Tourette’s syndrome) and a fascination with collecting marbles.

There should be an easier way and, lo and behold, now there is! The handwash toilet doubles up as, you guessed it, a handwash and a toilet all-in-one. In terms of convenience and cleanliness, nothing can match this. At all. Ever. To sign up to our beta models, forward your email address to us (with a check for £5,000) and we’ll deliver you an early model! These provide a 1.5% discount on the second wave of models which will be invading DYI stores in Q3 of 2017.

The Handwash Toilet

How the product works is so simple it’s astonishing Steve Jobs didn’t think of it first! The toilet functions as a normal toilet, it’s just the product comes with a free soap dispenser installed on the side of the tank lid (the main bit behind the crapper). Within the toilet bowl is the handwash – when the toilet owner flushes the product, they simply get some soap, then wash their hands in the water as they watch their effluence disappear before their very eyes down the u-bend.

Although consumer watchdogs, and multiple ombudsmen, have had scathing reviews about the veracity of our hygiene claims (our slogan is Crap & Go: Eradicate 35.7% of Germs with the New Handwash Toilet) we think our company slogan speaks for itself. It’s a bold claim, sure, but there is no price on convenience and germ eradication in modern life.

Rest assured, the soap dispenser comes packing with decent quality soap which can be refilled with ease by dislodging the dispenser and sticking in more soap. The more harsh the substance the better, of course, which is why, of course, we recommend you stick bleach into the soap dispenser.

Health, Hygiene, and Hallucinations

Now, we’re British here at Professional Moron and so won’t go into the gritty details about what happens around toilets. That would be far too awkward and embarrassing. We will, however, indicate one should always wash once hands after using the handwash toilet. However, please note, due to the mixture of bleach and effluence leftovers on your hands, you may begin suffering from hallucinations.

This is perfectly normal. You can balance this out by snorting some cocaine (sold separately) or by going for a stroll outside (just make sure someone supports you – or use a walking stick). This will clear your head and reassure you you’ve not wasted £5,000 on a product which is utterly superfluous. Indeed, the handwash toilet is much more than superfluous. It’s super.

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