Exclusive Recipe: Key Lime Pie – Now With Extra Keys!

Key lime pie - now with added keys!
Jesus, that looks delicious!

This American dessert has been an American staple ever since America has existed. The United States is united in its American belief key lime pie is as American as mom, apple pie, and yodelling. We can confidently proclaim all of this to be true as we’re British – we know everything about stuff like pie, primarily as we’re Limeys, you know?

With that settled, we can now move on to today’s recipe, which is a traditional key lime pie with a bit of added oomph. Yes, we all have too many keys about the place – often you just sit back and wonder: “What in the name of crap bags can I do with my superfluous keys?! Wikki wikki… wikki wikki Wild Wild West, Jim West…” etc. It’s a simple solution. Bake them into your key lime pie!

Key Lime Pie (with added keys)

“Ah!” we hear you say, “But keys aren’t very tasty. In fact, I’m sure they’d shatter my teeth and shred my innards to bits, leaving me to exsanguinate hideously. This is not on, Professional Moron!” Well, asides from the nice little rhyme at the end there, you are a doofus and you should shut your yap.

The dessert is made out of limes, egg yolks, and sweetened condensed milk. That all slots neatly into the pie crust, so do whatever you have to do to get that thing ready (hey, we come up with ideas, not provide intricate details on how to chef) and then sling in all of your extra keys. Bake in the oven for three hours at 200 Fahrenheit and leave the dish to cool for a good 120 seconds.

This bit is extremely important as the keys reach staggering temperatures inside the oven. Indeed, were you to eat a slice of our homemade key lime pie fresh out of the oven, the keys would melt through your guts and leave you squirming on the floor drooling and going “Urrrghhhhhhhhh…”. For some of you, this isn’t likely a state of affairs you wish to champion. Probably quite the opposite, so we’ve built in some key safety measures to keep you alive and well!

Key Safety Features

If you are baking this thing, you may want to avoid the above issues. This is why we can suggest using products such as a key chain to be able to easily lump the keys together in one area of the pie. This ensures you know where all the keys are at once, thusly ensuring no stray key will melt its way through your innards.

Some key lime pie enthusiasts may want to attach key finding gadgets so, at the press of the button, the keys within the pie will emit a shrieking noise, indicating to you where the keys are (i.e. inside the pie). This is particularly useful if you’ve forgotten to add the keys to the pie, as you will then know where you’ve left them and will have extra keys for the next one you make. Finally, we can also recommend you put the keys, individually, into locks (wrench the locks out of your doors for this) so they can be easily found within the locks, within the pie.

This may all seem like a lot of unnecessary fuss for a pie which shouldn’t have any keys in it, but if you value your existence on this Earth then please follow the above instructions, otherwise you’ll be added to the Darwin Awards for your grotesque stupidity. Enjoy!


  1. Ah, I don’t consume sweetened condensed milk, or eggs. Just another delicious recipe I’ll have to forgo.
    On the sweetened condensed milk front… who invented that? It really sounds like a PM invention!


    • The key is in the name with most products as inventors are narcissistic and tend to use their name in the invention they have invented. Thusly, I assume the inventor was called Mr. Sweetened Condensed Milk.


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