Exclusive Invention: The Tooth Pickaxe (Hygienic & Dangerous!)

The Tooth Pickaxe
Dangerous.

If you’re like us, you’ll agree the toothpick isn’t useful for anything except picking bits of food from one’s gnashers. If you’re like us, you’d also wish toothpicks were more dangerous – they’re almost at a good level for self-defence, but not quite. Try and deter a bunch of vagabonds with a toothpick and you’ll be left a crumpled heap. If you have a pickaxe, though…

Toothpicks, let us not forget, exist to ensure no gunk ends up stuffed between the slots in your teeth. There’s nothing more embarrassing than, say, meeting a hot date, flashing him/her your best grin, but having a quarter of a beetroot lodged between your teeth: “Honest to Satan,” you would say, “I’m not a cannibal!”, but you’d be ditched immediately. Horrific. Thankfully, the tooth pickaxe ensures the toothpick is extra powerful and capable of eradicating the most heinous of foodstuffs, whilst providing amazing self-defence stuff.

The Tooth Pickaxe

If you live in England, like we do, you’ll know it’s illegal to buy or own guns. This horrifying state of affairs means everyone lives in a permanent state of terror should masked invaders (such as a marauding army of out-of-control communists) appear on the horizon. We have police, of course, but even they’re not allowed to carry guns – they defend themselves with polite threats about legal ramifications. It’s a mess! No wonder we voted Brexit, we can’t even gun each other down at a moment’s notice.

Luckily, we’re able to walk the streets brandishing other weaponry (such as samurai swords, bits ripped from bins, and empty beer bottles) – this, sort of, makes up for the lack of bazookas. Thanks to us, Brits can now add the tooth pickaxe into the very British way of self-defence – why blow someone away with a semi-automatic-whatever-majigger when you can take them down with a tooth pickaxe, leaving them sprawled in agony on the floor with a gunk-free grin on their noggin?

Although the pickaxe is, typically, used for agricultural purposes, the toothpick is not. You can’t tend one’s tomatoes or muck spread your land with toothpicks as this would simply lead to a load of farm animals with brilliant, toothy grins. This would make humans rather jealous, animals overly confident, and we’d have a very real and very terrifying realisation of George Orwell’s Animal Farm.

Simply put, the tooth pickaxe is a self-defence item which also ensures your teeth remain clean (with analogous results for anyone you physically assault). The device is made out of toothpicks (except for the pickaxe head, which is made out of solid steel), which can be extracted from the device as and when required. The toothpicks are superglued in place to ensure their malleability. There we have it!

Fight Decay Violently

Tooth decay is responsible for billions of deaths every year, which is where the tooth pickaxe steps right on in. The purpose of this invention was to make plucking bits of gunk from one’s teeth more violent and, consequently, sexier. We think we’ve achieved this, although the product will be only available to the wealthy in this world – why should working class scumbags get to look good?

The product will be available for £1,000 ($1,500). In a unique twist, the tooth pickaxe will be placed atop of giant stacks of things, so you’ll need a pickaxe in order to traverse the mini-mountain to obtain your tooth pickaxe. The reward? Amazing teeth, dead hoodlums, and your future Mount Everest expeditions will look a real treat, too! Gobsmacking.

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