Exclusive Recipe: Sauceages (like sausages, but saucier)

Sauceages are better than sausages
I see the sauce… but where are the ages?

Sausages are great if you want to die hideously from heart disease but, for most people, they will not be a part of your hourly diet. Indeed… but, hark, what is that we hear grumbling off in the distance? Is it the sound of belligerent discontent?! “Don’t you bloody well nanny state me, Professional Moron, I happen to like heart disease!” some of you may postulate, but we can only sneer at you whilst, simultaneously, offering you a super healthy (sort of) alternative.

Yes, for you see sauce is pretty awesome. Whether it’s gravy, ketchup, jam (kind of a sauce, right?), marmite, anything tomato-based, or, indeed, the greatest sauce of them all – kedgeree – you’ve not had a proper day of existing unless you’ve inhaled some sauce. This is why we’ve teamed sauce up with sausages to get, you guessed it, sauceages. Hurray!


First up, we needed to create those sock things which you find wrapped around normal sausages. At first, we thought about using our esteemed editor’s (Mr. Wapojif) old socks, but this turned out to be a disastrous mistake as Mr. Wapojif hordes them in his cupboard and beats anyone who tries to touch them with a medium sized can of tinned aspic. Sadly, there would have to be another way.

We got to thinking about the BAGuette, our genius invention from earlier this week. In it, innit, we merged bread with bags – plastic bags. “Hmmmmmm…” Mr. Wapojif mused as he thrashed our office apprentice senseless with a can of medium sized tinned aspic, “bags are really great for holding stuff in, and what we need for the sauceages is a cost-effective thing to hold sauce in them. So, how about hoover bags?” – with this, we had struck gold. Dusty gold!

Yes, with the use of hoover bags out of service, we have been able to add in whatever sauce we feel like to the sauce holder, thusly creating sauceages. The bags are sturdy, robust, and come with a distinctive dust-like aftertaste. They also come in many flavours, depending on what sauce(s) you mix together – our favourite is jam, ketchup,  kedgeree, and gravy flavoured sauceages with horseradish.

To prepare them, simply slop the sauce into the hoover bag, tie the bag together (or use some super glue – whatever), and then insert them onto a frying pan for a good 60 seconds. That should do the trick, ensuring you have a healthy, hearty, fine tasting mess of a dinner in a matter of moments. That’s sauceagesational (sensational)!

Additional Questions

We appreciate our dimwitted customers may have a few more questions they want to ask about the foodstuff product before committing their cash to us. As such, we’ve come up with an FAQ section to answer your vacuous asides. If you need further assistance, please direct all of your questions to your nearest wall.


  • Q: Can the hoover bag, once cooked, consumed, and passed through my system, be reused as a hoover bag again? A: Do not attempt this.
  • Q: Is the sauceage definitive proof there are, indeed, alien lifeforms in the Universe? A: No.
  • Q: How much will a standard sauceage cost? A: About the same price as a tub of ice cream (vanilla) multiplied by 10,000 bags of frozen peas and divided by 1/1,000th of an atom bomb.
  • Q: Will this product trigger off scurvy, gout, or WWIII? A: No, but we did notice it had a propensity to induce bouts of plague bacillus, although that may have just been because we were watching a documentary about the Black Death at the time of creating this recipe.


    • Affirmative. “It’s all about the sauce.” as the famous quote by Winston Churchill went. Probably. No idea, really, I just watched Dunkirk yesterday so he’s on my mind.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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