Exclusive Invention: The Mattdress (a mattress and dress all-in-one!)

The MattDress
You thought it first: “That would make a lovely dress!”.

Recently, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, went and bought himself a mattress as his new home didn’t have a mattress of any sort. Mr. Wapojif briefly thought about sleeping in his bathtub to avoid forking out for one, like Will Smith does in the film I Am Legend, but he ultimately caved in after two weeks with crippling back pain, which left him dribbling uncontrollably during his normal day job. Yeah, people complained about that.

The mattress he got is pretty good – 7/10 type stuff. However, the more he thought about his mattress (seeing as he’s on pretty intimate terms with it already, sleeping on it and all that – it’s plutonic, don’t worry) the more he wanted to spend more time with his mattress. What can we say? Mr. Wapojif is a strange man, but what is obvious is he wants to wear a dress. A mattdress, to be precise, and one which will make him look super pretty and stylish.

The Mattdress

After a busy Bank Holiday weekend, the result is we have styled the world’s first mattdress, which is a mattress and dress all-in-one. If this sounds too good to be true then, rest assured, this isn’t free – you’ll need to pay us £500 ($600) if you want one of your own, which will be hand crafted and stitched together on-site in the Professional Moron garage. We don’t actually have a garage, but we’ll break into one of our neighbour’s to fulfill our promise.

It’s a difficult product to make and, ultimately, the design of the dress is dependent on the mattress you have. However, by ripping the mattress at key points it is entirely possible to clamber on into the mattdress and then parade around in the street getting everyone’s attention – please be aware, however, movement is somewhat limited and you may need someone to lift you up and down.

Should you fall over, incidentally, one of two things will occur. The first is you’ll be stuck – you’re ensconced in a bloody mattress, what do you expect? The aforementioned movement limitations will leave you stranded but, for the second part of this incident, you will then be able to fall asleep (it’s a really great way to catch up on your shut eye, this dress).

Of course, your ability to sleep will be tempered by where exactly you’ve had your fall. Mr. Wapojif, for instance, keeled over on the Manchester-Bury line Metrolink tram during the Bank Holiday weekend and was left stuck on the floor face first in the ground. For the rest of the day, as the tram travelled back and forth, chavs and other Northerners trampled all over him willy nilly as he attempted to get a bit of rest. He did not get any rest.


Naturally, as the mattdress is so bulky and heavy, as you move about the place you kick up a right old sweat. It’s not long until your mattdress will begin stinking like a pair of skinny jeans which have been trapped on a Hipster’s body for months. Indeed, you’re going to pong a bit, so you’ll want to wash your mattdress.

You’ll immediately find it doesn’t fit into a washing machine, no matter how hard you try. Ridiculous, right, who designs those stupid things? Anyway, there are two options available to you – you can either head off for a shower whilst you’re in the mattdress, or you can head out into your back garden, strip, and hose the thing down (with a hose, obviously). Either way, you will be the talk of the town with the mattdress – it’s every fasionista’s dream!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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